Bismillah
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُواْ إِلاَّ إِيَّـهُ وَبِالْوَلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـناً إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيمًا وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًا
And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be excellent to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them, but address them in terms of honor. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them Your mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.” (Isra 17:23-24)
Ihsan is a beautiful word, and the wisdom behind the use of this word with regards to parents is stunning. Ihsan comes from husn, which literally means beauty or to make beautiful. Ihsan means to do the UTMOST good and it is usually translated as excellence. When one does ihsan, they beautify their deeds to the fullest. They go “all out” and make sure every little detail is done properly. They do not do the least amount of good to get the job done, rather they do the utmost good–the greatest possible good they are capable of doing and they do not fall short in this.
Ihsan with people like our parents has three basic components:
1) To do utmost good in general
2) To still do good to them showing no signs of irritation if they respond to you with evil words or actions.
3) To do more than just good, to strive to do the most good you are able of.
The amazing thing about “birr al walidayn” (righteousness to parents) is that Allah ta’ala did not define what IHSAAN to them is. Usually, Allah azza wa jal gives us the definition or instruction on what we should do such as how to fast and who zakah is given too, but Allah ta’ala did not say “X, Y and Z acts” automatically means ihsan to parents. The word birr actually means a vast piece of land with all types of herbage, so birr is not just one good deed, it is all types of good deeds that lead to righteousness.
Out of Allah’s Knowledge, Wisdom and Mercy, He told us the goal (righteousness to parents) but leaves it up to us to figure out the means, because there are so many ways to be good to them and each parent has different expectations.
When Allah ta’ala commands us to do ihsan to our parents, He specifically mentions the mother in one ayah:
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ إِحْسَانًا ۖ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ كُرْهًا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْهًا ۖ وَحَمْلُهُ وَفِصَالُهُ ثَلَاثُونَ شَهْرًا
“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents. His mother bears him with hardship. And she birthed him with hardship, and the bearing of him, and the weaning of him is thirty months.” (46:15)
Allah ta’ala specifically mentions our mothers because it is easy for us to forget what they’ve done for us during our most vulnerable stage of life. Allah azza wa jal reminds us of a time that we cannot even remember: when we were fetuses, newborns and toddlers. We forget how weak we were and how our mothers did everything from feeding us, to changing us, to giving us clothing and comfort. The relationship between the mother and child is by far the greatest display of mercy between all of Allah’s Creation.
One way to better our relationship with our parents is to make duaa for them. We sometimes belittle the simple act of raising our hands and asking Allah to grant our parents success and guidance. We are so quick to complain about them when it comes to our own rights, yet look at what the Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam relates to us:
إِنَّ الرَّجُلَ لَتُرْفَعُ دَرَجَتُهُ فِي الْجَنَّةِ فَيَقُولُ: أَنَّى لِي هَذَا؟فَيُقَالُ: بِاسْتِغْفَارِ وَلَدِكَ لَكَ”
“Indeed a man’s status will be raised in Paradise and he will ask, ‘How is this for me?’ He will be told, ‘By your child’s seeking forgiveness for you.” (Reported by Ibn Maajah, no 3660; see also Saheeh al-Jaami’, 1617)
Imagine your mother or father reaching a higher level of Jannah just because YOU made duaa for them. When is the last time you made duaa for your parents? What are you waiting for?
We ask Allah to guide and forgive all of our parents. may He guide the non Muslim parents of our brothers and sisters to Islam. Ameen.
beautiful. jazakallah khayr for the reminder.
This is a beautiful reminder, but it would be good if you could give some tips on how to be courteous to ones' parents especially if there are greviances, generation gaps, communication problems, one has become estranged, family problems concerned etc.
jazak Allah kheir, very useful mash'Allah
Mashallah
Salam,
This is a khutbah I have done in the past (My khutbahs are usually a combination of translation froma respected sheikh (such as Qaradawi) and other works published. I try to limit my own “two cents” when giving khutbah because of the grave responsibility associated with it. Having said that, I think that would at least lead you into different venues to explore answers about more personal issues. I hope it helps.
All praise is due to Allaah, Who has endowed His servants with blessed times, and guided whomever He wills to make use of them, and diverted from them whomever He wills, of those who were given to loss and regret. I testify that there is no god but Allaah, Who has no partners. He is the Lord of the heavens and the earth, the Bountiful, the Generous, and the Openhanded. I testify that Muhammad is Allaah’s servant and Messenger, the best of all mankind. May Allaah bless him, his family, Companions and those who follow them on the right path, until the Day of Resurrection.
قُلْ تَعَالَوْا أَتْلُ مَا حَرَّمَ رَبُّكُمْ عَلَيْكُمْ ۖ أَلَّا تُشْرِكُوا بِهِ شَيْئًا ۖ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۖ وَلَا تَقْتُلُوا أَوْلَادَكُمْ مِنْ إِمْلَاقٍ ۖ نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُكُمْ وَإِيَّاهُمْ ۖ وَلَا تَقْرَبُوا الْفَوَاحِشَ مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَمَا بَطَنَ ۖ وَلَا تَقْتُلُوا النَّفْسَ الَّتِي حَرَّمَ اللَّهُ إِلَّا بِالْحَقِّ ۚ ذَٰلِكُمْ وَصَّاكُمْ بِهِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَعْقِلُونَ
[151] Say (O Muhammad (peace be upon him)) “Come, I will recite what your Lord has prohibited you from: Join not anything in worship with Him; be good and dutiful to your parents; kill not your children because of poverty – We provide sustenance for you and for them; come not near to Al-Fawâhish (shameful sins, illegal sexual intercourse) whether committed openly or secretly; and kill not anyone whom Allâh has forbidden, except for a just cause (according to Islâmic law). This He has commanded you that you may understand.- Surah al-An'am ayah 151
In this ayah, Allah SWT has listed a variety of commandments. The scholars are agreed that these commandments have been mentioned in order of their importance. Obviously, worshiping Allah SWT alone is the most important of all commands. Immediately following this in importance is beautiful conduct to parents. The commentators on the Quran have linked this to the role of the parents in cherishing and bringing children up which is a reflection of Allah SWT's cherishing and sustaining of all creation. Because parents reflect qualities of Allah SWT, we must treat them in the most beautiful manner even as we treat Him in the most beautiful manner.
So, Islam has greatly emphasized the issue of loving and respecting the parents, the father and the mother. In our infancy and childhood, we needed the protection, love and nurturing of the parents; but when they become old, they need us to protect them and take care of them. Allah says in surat Al-Isra’a
وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا (23)
وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
23] And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honor. [24] And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: “My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.” (17:23-24)
Also notice that Allah SWT has mentioned beautiful conduct to parents immediately after serving Him alone.
The Quran, brothers and sisters, has a number of things to say about a Muslim's obligations to parents.
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ (14)
وَإِنْ جَاهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰ أَنْ تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا ۖ وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُمْ بِمَا كُنْتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years – give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination
[15] But if they (both) strive/try hard/make every effort with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do.- Surah Luqman ayat 14-15
It is an established principle in Islam that there is no obedience to any created thing (such as another person) that entails disobedience to Allah SWT. Thus a Muslim must not obey if his or her parent calls him to polytheism. Yet even in this case, Muslims are commanded to “keep company with them both … in an honorable manner.”
Also notice that Allah SWT has particularly mentioned the sacrifices a mother makes for her child as she goes through pregnancy and labor and as she nurses and weans him. Allah SWT has also mentioned thankfulness to parents in the same sentence as thankfulness to Him.
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ إِحْسَانًا ۖ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ كُرْهًا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْهًا ۖ وَحَمْلُهُ وَفِصَالُهُ ثَلَاثُونَ شَهْرًا ۚ حَتَّىٰ إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُ وَبَلَغَ أَرْبَعِينَ سَنَةً قَالَ رَبِّ أَوْزِعْنِي أَنْ أَشْكُرَ نِعْمَتَكَ الَّتِي أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيَّ وَعَلَىٰ وَالِدَيَّ وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَالِحًا تَرْضَاهُ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي فِي ذُرِّيَّتِي ۖ إِنِّي تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّي مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِينَ
[15] And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind to his parents. His mother bears him with hardship and she brings him forth with hardship, and the bearing of him, and the weaning of him is thirty months, till when he attains full strength and reaches forty years, he says: “My Lord! Grant me the power and ability that I may be grateful for Your Favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and that I may do righteous good deeds, such as please You, and make my off-spring good. Truly, I have turned to You in repentance, and truly, I am one of the Muslims (submitting to Your Will).”- Surah al-Ahqaf ayah 15
In this ayah, we can see that beautiful conduct to parents includes praying on their behalf. Also, Allah SWT again mentions the b
eautiful conduct that parents are due. He has also again made mention of the difficulties that a mother has no choice but to endure during her pregnancy and labor, and during the period that she nurses and weans her child.
Parents, brothers and sisters, are due thankfulness, obedience, and gentleness towards their faults. If they command something contrary to Islam, they must not be obeyed yet even in that circumstance a Muslim must keep up good ties with them and consort with them honorably. He or she should never speak a harsh word to them or otherwise abuse them but instead should forgive them and ask Allah SWT to forgive them. Other actions that have been particularly mentioned are including parents in prayers and taking care of them when they are elderly. This is what is meant by the “beautiful conduct” “Ihsan”that Allah SWT has commanded regarding parents.
However, out of the two, the mother has been given greater priority as far as kindness is concerned.
Mothers are one of the means by which Allah SWT exercises His creation. Beyond what she is due as a parent, a mother is additionally due special feelings of reverence and dutifulness. This is because of the difficulties that she suffered during pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing. The Prophet (sAas) has particularly instructed that mothers are due the best conduct
جاء رجل يسأل النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم من أحق الناس بحسن صحابتي قال : أمك قال : ثم من قال : أمك قال : ثم من قال : أمك قال : ثم من قال : أبوك متفق عليه أخرجه البخاري ومسلم
Once a man came to the Prophet of Islam and asked: “Who is the most deserving of the best of my company?” The Prophet replied, “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then whom?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” Then the man asked again, “Then whom?” The Prophet replied, “Your mother.” Then the man asked for the fourth time, “Then whom?” the Prophet replied, “Your father.”
The Prophet (sAas) has also discussed how Muslims are to treat their parents, and a number of sayings have been reported from him on this matter.
فِي الصَّحِيحَيْنِ عَنْ اِبْن مَسْعُود رَضِيَ اللَّه عَنْهُ أَنَّهُ قَالَ : سَأَلْت رَسُول اللَّه صَلَّى اللَّه عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ أَيّ الْعَمَل أَفْضَل ؟ قَالَ الصَّلَاة عَلَى وَقْتهَا قُلْت ثُمَّ أَيّ ؟ قُلْ بِرّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ قُلْت ثُمَّ أَيّ ؟ قَالَ الْجِهَاد فِي سَبِيل اللَّه قَالَ اِبْن مَسْعُود : حَدَّثَنِي بِهِنَّ رَسُول اللَّه صَلَّى اللَّه عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ وَلَوْ اِسْتَزَدْته لَزَادَنِي
The following is narrated by Abdullah ibn Masud by way of Abu Amr ash-Shaybani:
I asked the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, which action Allah loves best. He replied, “Prayer at its proper time.” I asked, “Then what?” He said, “Then beautiful conduct to parents.” I asked, “Then what?” He replied, “Then jihad in the Way of Allah.” He told me about these things. If I had asked him to tell me more, he would have told me more.
This report is similar to what has been mentioned beautiful conduct to parents is second only to worship of Allah SWT as an obligation on Muslims. Notice also that beautiful conduct to parents takes precedence even over jihad!
( قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه و سلم :
ألا أنبئكم بأكبر الكبائر ؟
قال : قلنا بلى يا رسول الله . قال : الإشراك بالله و عقوق الوالدين و كان متكئاً فجلس فقال : ألا و قول الزور و شهادة الزور فما زال يقولها حتى قلنا : لا يسكت . لفظ حديث خالد رواه البخاري في الصحيح عن إسحاق بن شاهين و أخرجه مسلم من وجه آخر عن سعيد عن الجريري .).
The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Shall I tell you which is the worst of the major wrong actions?” They replied, “Yes, Messenger of Allah.” He said, “Associating something else with Allah and disobeying parents.” He had been reclining, but then he said up and said, “And false witness.”
This is the obvious corollary of the previous hadith; if beautiful conduct to parents is second only to worshiping Allah SWT alone as an obligation, then disobedience to parents should clearly be second only to polytheism as a sin.
عن معاوية بن جاهمة السلمي أن جاهمة جاء إلى النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم: ( يا رسول الله أردت أن أغزو وقد جئت استشيرك ، قال : هل لك من أم ؟ قال: نعم قال : فالزمها فإن الجنة عند رجليها ) [رواه أحمد والنسائي].
Jahmah: I said to the Holy Prophet, “O Messenger of Allah, I desire to go on a (military) expedition and I have come to consult you.” He asked me if I had a mother, and when I replied that I had, he said, “Stay with her because Paradise lies beneath her feet.”
2nd khutbah
The following is narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr:
عن عبد الله بن عمرو بن العاص رضي الله عنهما قال: ( جاء رجل إلى النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم يبايعه فقال: إنّي جئت أبايعك على الهجرة ولقد تركت أبوي يبكيان، قال: ارجع إليهما فأضحكهما كما أبكيتهما ) [رواه أبو داود والنسائي] .
A man came to the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and made a pledge to him that he would do hijra (emigration). He left his parents who were in tears. The Prophet said, “Go back to them and make them laugh as you made them weep.”
Hijra is to emigrate from a non-Muslim land to a Muslim land, and is considered an extremely meritorious act. Yet service to parents takes precedence even over this!
The preceding hadiths all apply generally to both parents and explain what is meant by the Quran's command for “beautiful treatment” of parents. The hadiths also follow the Quran in showing a certain preference for the mother.
One hadith already cited above says, “Stay with [your mother], because Paradise is at her feet.”
From this, we can see the special position that mothers have, which has been indicated by the Quran. The word translated as dutifulness is in Arabic birr, a word that is also translated as “piety”, that is, dutifulness to Allah SWT. Here again, parents (and in particular mothers) are due the same kind of honor in our feelings that we give to Allah SWT, because of what they reflect of His qualities.
After worshiping Allah SWT alone, beautiful conduct to parents is the next most important duty for a Muslim. Considering that mothers are due this conduct even before fathers, it is no wonder that the Prophet (sAas) also said that Paradise is at the feet of mothers!
Dear Muslim! Struggle and sacrifice for the sake of parents includes serving them and assisting them financially, especially if one is well off while they are impoverished. Obedience to parents requires being at their beck and call, complying to what they command or forbid, as they are more keen to advise what is best for you than yourself, your friends and your company. You should then hearken to their directions and obey them in doing good. When one of them orders you to do something, you should reply as Ismaa’iel replied to his father Ibraahiem “ … O my father! do as thou art commanded …” (Assaffaat : 102)
You should address your parents gently and politely and consult them in your affairs, and make many supplications for them and ask Allaah to forgive their sins. You should not raise your voice in their presence, nor look at them angrily or with contempt. You should not wave with yo
ur hands when you talk to them, nor interrupt them when they speak. You should not argue with them, tell them lies, nor travel except after taking their permission. All of these are some aspects of being kind and dutiful to parents.
O Muslims! Kindness to parents requires you to speak to them using honorable speech i.e., saying something good to them with esteem and respect, and to lower the wing of humility out of mercy to them, in all your words and deeds. Act towards them politely without feeling discontent, whether you like it or not. Many children think that kindness to parents is only practiced when it coincides with their own desires. However, kindness to parents cannot be achieved except by doing what pleases them, even if it is against the tendencies of the children.
Your parents, O Muslims, are the most compassionate of all people to you and the most forbearing of your faults. Many times they overlook your mistakes and forgive you. They struggle in life in order for you to feel happy and trouble themselves in order that you may be at ease. They give to you in such a way that does not cause you to be indebted to them or in a way that hurts your feelings. They wish you long life. On the contrary, if you serve them and provide them with food, you make them feel indebted to you and you anticipate their death in order to be relieved of their service.
It was narrated by Muhammad bin Sirin that he said: “During the Caliphate of 'Uthman bin 'Affan, the price of palm-trees reached 1000 dirhams. Usamah bin Zaid, may Allaah be pleased with him, headed for a palm-tree that he cut off, extracted its core and fed to his mother. The people said to him: What made you do that, while you know that the price of a palm-tree has reached 1000 dirhams, while its core does not equal 2 dirhams. He said: My mother asked me to bring it to her. I always bring her anything she asked me, as long as it was in my capacity”.
O Muslims! If your parents or one of them died while you did not fulfil your duties towards them and you regret it, you still have a chance to set things right. This can be done by asking Allaah's forgiveness and mercy for them, by giving charity on their behalf and visiting relatives they used to visit. This can also be done by visiting their friends and fulfilling vows they made before their death. These and similar good deeds please parents after their death, since they alleviate their sins and increase their good deeds. It was narrated: “The parents of a servant of Allaah or one of them may die while he was unkind to them, but will later be regarded as a good son by Allaah. This is because of his frequent supplication to Allaah for them and his asking Allaah's forgiveness of their sins”.
And finally, remember brothers and sisters that It is an established principle in Islam that there is no obedience to any created thing (such as another person) that entails disobedience to Allah SWT. Thus a Muslim must not obey if his or her parent calls him to polytheism. Yet even in this case, Muslims are commanded to “keep company with them both … in an honorable manner.”
Asalamu alaykum,
Do you have the recording; would you mind if we post this?
SDW
Salam,
I do not have it recorded but if you'd like it in that format I believe I can do it on my computer.
Nomad78
Salam,
My intention was to give some ways for the respectful conduct with parents. I am by no means denying situations of abuse by the parent and quite frankly when a matter like this is present the best way to deal with it is through professional counseling.
The reminder I put here was for the majority of the situations I have seen where the fall out happens because of communication problems that are more often than not due to generational gaps. There are almost 40 years between my father and I and we had our fair share of arguments. As I got older and Alhamdullilah understand my religion more, I understand that at times you have to let your own hot temper go and please your parents as long as it is within the paradigm of our religion. It is harder but more rewarding to look inwards and see what is really the reason for the problems between the generations.
Having said that, I will reiterate that there are cases of abuse that go beyond the inability to communicate and those cases need professional intervention.
Nomad78