After engaging more with the Muslim community through activities like da`wah (calling to Islam), conferences, and halaqat (study circles), I have observed something intriguing: there seems to be a fascination—even obsession—with the topic of marriage. Regardless of whether a particular lecture is dedicated to something other than gender relations, the topic of marriage somehow always creeps up.
Now, do I consider this a bad thing? Not necessarily. Indeed, considering the magnitude of fitan (trials) that many unmarried folks face, such as the pressure to date or deal with the opposite gender on terms outside of the boundaries of Islam, I believe that marriage is something that should be discussed and encouraged.
What I’m more fascinated with, however, are the underlying reasons for why people – especially the youth – want to get married so quickly. Despite not having enough resources to care for themselves, let alone a spouse, or whether they understand the Islamic obligations and duties of a spouse, it seems that many of our brothers and sisters have become consumed with the thought of marriage…why? I wonder: what are the psychological reasons behind why a person—who might not be physically or emotionally prepared—wants to get married? If this sounds like you—have you asked yourself why? I mean, apart from the obvious reasons of wanting to complete “half your deen,” or pleasing Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He), do you think there are some underlying issues that may be driving you to consider marriage?
Here are some reasons that I have come up with on my own:
- I have noticed that some people view marriage as an escape from their current situations. Perhaps they believe that by getting married, all of their social and familial problems will be solved. Unfortunately, some Muslims may be living under dire conditions at home and might be going through emotional and/or physical abuse, and so for them marriage seems like a way out.
- Some people may feel misunderstood by their peers and families, and may desire a partner who can understand and sympathize with them.
- Some individuals may be feeling pressure from their relatives or cultural/ethnic communities. They may be made to feel bad for not finding a spouse, or even ridiculed and ostracized for being single.
- A lot of people seem to be what I’d like to call “baby-obsessed”: for them, marriage is about having child, after child, after child, after…you get the point.
- For some, being in a relationship is about status: literally going from “single” to “taken” or “married.” It is about letting the world know that “Yes, I am important,” and the fact that they have a partner is a sign of that importance.
- What about those who feel left out? Some may find that all of their friends or peers are getting married, and yet there they are, all alone. They may internalize their “single-hood” and begin to think that something is wrong with them.
My point is, issues such as low self-esteem, lack of attention, the desire for appreciation, the need to be noticed, lack of emotional support, peer/familial pressures, and societal expectations are, unfortunately, some of the underlying reasons people may seek marriage. We have been made to believe that marriage will solve all of our problems; that after getting married, we will truly live happily ever after. In my opinion, this outlook turns marriage into an end instead of a means and as a result, marriage becomes the “end all, be all” for many of us, We tell ourselves things like: “after marriage, I’ll be happy,” “after I get married, I’ll be satisfied.” We begin to view marriage as the ultimate solution to all of our problems, when in reality it is not. Marriage must be viewed as a means, and understood in terms of your personal relationship with Allah (swt). It is not marriage, in and of itself, that will bring you things such as happiness or contentment. Rather, it is through the act of marriage that you will find yourself coming closer to Allah (swt) insha’Allah (God willing). Through coming closer to Him and turning back to Him, you will begin to find true happiness and contentment, insha’Allah (God willing). That said, marriage should be viewd as a means to draw you closer to Allah (swt); a means of attaining His pleasure and earning His Paradise.
Brothers and sisters, marriage won’t solve your problems—Allah (swt) will.
So, if you find yourself currently in a rut—everything seems to be going “bad” for you; you’re depressed, lonely, sad, angry, frustrated, confused, or hurt—take a step towards Allah (swt). Turn to Him to solve your problems. Who knows, marriage may be the means through which He decides to help you…yet at the same time, it may not be. The point is, we need to start viewing the idea of marriage with a healthy mindset: one that is enriched with knowledge and empowerment from the Qur’an and Sunnah and one that realizes that Allah (swt) alone is the solver of all our problems and issues—and Allah (swt) knows best.
Maashaa Allah. This article is right on point. I have always held those opinions because some of our brothers and sisters are indeed missing the point of the essence of marriage for the sake of Allah. Jazaakumul Laahu khairan for sharing.
JazakAllahu khair! For more of my work, please visit: http://www.seekingtobetter.blogspot.com
Wa iyakki!
what a wonderful article the reasons stated above are mainly the reasons as to why people marry. My mother is one who constantly tells me all my problems will be solved once I marry. I spend more time praying, worrying about marriage than I do about the akhirah.
Great article, jazakallah khayr for sharing your thoughts. This is the main point for me:
“It is not marriage, in and of itself, that will bring you things such as happiness or contentment. Rather, it is through the act of marriage that you will find yourself coming closer to Allah (swt) insha’Allah (God willing).”
This is so important to understand for someone wanting to get married. Yes marriage is a blessing and having a partner will make some situations in your life easier, but that doesn’t mean it will ‘solve’ anything. On the contrary, a good marriage takes hard work, which comes to light after the honeymoon stage is over. Then if a person is lucky like me, they’ll realize that Allah has to be the goal for your happiness and contentment, and no matter how much you love your spouse, they can’t give you the happiness you really desire if it isn’t already there from being content with Allah as your creator and protector to begin with.
Jazakallah khair for this very important and eye opening post!
If you marry the right person, indeed half or more of your problems will be solved. However if you choose the wrong cat, guess what, you will have DOUBLE the amount of Problems you had before.
Salamz,
Thank you for this great piece of analysis.
Allow me please to expand on some of the concepts that you presented as potential weaknesses and possibly wrong reasons to get married. This I say, because I sense at times that when we become more religious, we tend to not care a lot about our human nature and our very basic needs. The things that you listed: “low self-esteem, lack of attention, the desire for appreciation, the need to be noticed, lack of emotional support, peer/familial pressures, and societal expectations” are part of our human existence, and to variable degrees and in different contexts are part of our normal human development. We need to be felt cared for, we need to feel that we are in a fulfilling romantic relationship, we need to have kids that would make our parents proud of us. This is not mutually exclusive from getting married for the sake of Allah (SWT), it is complimentary, if not naturally part of our sincerity to Allah.
Looking at things from the other way round, people at times develop low self esteem secondary to not being able to find a spouse when others were able to. Hence, finding an appropriate spouse becomes one healthy way with dealing with this issue. This is not the only way to deal with the problem though: establishing a solid relationship with Allah SWT and having good family support, healthy circle of friends could also help. I guess what I am trying to say here that we have to take the matter on a case-by-case scenario, and that we cannot tell someone who is getting married to get more emotional support and intimacy that they are getting married for the wrong reasons, esp if this is what is important for them, as long as they are not disobeying Allah SWT with what they are seeking. Many times, psychopathology arises when people dismiss their feelings and unimportant and get into rationalizing things in an emotionally distant way. Example: I do not need a spouse, I only need Allah (SWT) is an over-compensation that is not very accurate. The disavowal of our needs in a critically tyrant way could lead to us being emotionally numb, and this I believe is not conducive to a healthy human psyche. Allah knows best.
Assalaamu Alaikum,
I think the reason people are “marriage obsessed” is that Allah swt created physical and emotional needs in every one of us that are fulfilled through marriage. I guess in my community I usually notice the opposite problem–people waiting for marriage for many years because they have to jump through so many hoops for parents or because the spouse search takes forever.
I was married at 27, My husband was 29. We both hope that our children will all marry at ages earlier than this and we hope to work towards financial/work solutions with them that will make marriage possible when they are ready. In a world obsessed with sex and relationships, our marriage anchors us and helps us to become better people.
So very true. I think its not only important but desirable to marry at an earlier age. Why do the majority of the world start ‘dating’ in their teen years. There are needs that can only be fulfilled by a partner, may He bless us with halal partners.
Growing up in this country marriage is such an all encompassing confusing topic. I remember when I was 12 at a masjid summer camp, elders were already beginning to discuss the topic especially with the sisters. Some sheikhs believe that a couple should just get married and date afterwards, but then how would you know if that was the right spouse for you if you’ve never had enough conversation with each other? That also poses the question about how two people who don’t even know each other would consummate a marriage so quickly (because some sheikhs also push for this to be done quickly). Then there are sheikhs that say “getting the job, the spouse, the house, & children aren’t important in life” honestly its a tug-a-war and I’m personally tired of discussion of marriage. It’ll happen when Allah swt wants it to happen, not when the clergy say so, not when your parents/family say so, and sometimes not even when you want it. That is all I have to say on the topic.
Another important reason you missed is that people want to marry to have sex. They see a world constantly selling them sex, so they want to plug this sex obsessed mind set into an Islamic marriage. In general if your motivation is mating, YOU ARE BOUND to make a bad choice. Marriage for purely sex isn’t a marriage but a one a night stand. Saying that marriage will solve the Zina problem, is like saying drugs will solve the drug problem. There’s no Shake ‘n Bake solution to everything. The best medicine is patience and self reflection. May Allah guide us all to wisdom.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
They should get married seeking chastity. I think this is a trap from Shaytan to frame things in a wrong way. Seeking to stay chaste becomes “seeking sex.” It is Shaytan who wishes to make us hate what Allah subhana wa ta’ala has allowed.
Jazakallah for this much needed reminder..we become so stressed with wanting to get married and get out,rejections and comments etc it becomes all consuming..unfortunately a lot of people just go in to marriage like they’re flipping through a catalogue to pick a spouse convenient,ticking boxes to achieve that goal of tieing the knot and not realising what comes with it..just thinking about it we’ve all grown up with the Disney “happily ever after” and not realised everything else comes with marriage.
Salaam…
my main reason and for lots of other, is Sex. is it ok to marry soley for sex? so it is halal and not haram. My major major sadness and concern is that our ‘Muslim Community’ has made Nikah so hard! it is is sooooooooo easy for me to go have a girlfriend(s) but with Nikah…oh my gosh, forget it, its a wall taller than sears tower!
Living in the west you get fed up of seeing couples everywhere, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc. And the only Islamic way to have a relationship with the opposite sex is through marriage, yes I understand the serious issues, but wanting and needing a partner are human emotions that should be fulfilled when able so that we don’t succumb to doing anything wrong. That’s why it’s sunnah to get married young, maybe we should try and support people who want to marry young, they don’t have to have babies straight away, they can then wait until they are financially and emotionally mature, but they can have love and fun that come with being with a halal partner and this increases confidence, self esteem and yes, we feel needed and loved too.
I completely agree with Green. May Allah grant us all the ability to get married, and put barakah in our families.
Marriage in our 20’s is a solution to our problems. The lack of resources not withstanding. The prophet(SAW) married a guy to a girl with the (surah ikhlas) as meher. So what is a Muslim guy supposed to do. He can not screw around, he can’t get married and forbidden to relive himself via porn… The guy is going to go stir crazy and develop some real unhealthy obsession with other stuff. Possibly porn, food, drugs are the usual culprits; if he doesn’t start having sex outside of marriage. Then at 38-40 he finally finds some one by some hook or crook and it doesn’t work out because of the other stuff and he’s dead at 55 heart attack with a unhappy wife and two kids; If he’s lucky. If he’s unlucky. he’s divorced two kids alimony, lives alone, drinks and gives up on life – possible suicide or liver cancer at 65.
Wow…sad, but unfortunately true.
Bismillaah! Alhamdulillaah! Allahumma swalli alaa Muhammad wa sallim!
Allaah can choose to solve some of your problems tru’ marriage! For He has ordered that we get married, and that if we do, He will help us, enrich us etc!
So if you strive to obey Allah, by avoiding haraam (zina etc) and you marry an imaanious person for Allah’s sake, you’ll thus be looking to Allah to solve some of your problems, and yes! He will, why? Because His promise is forever true!
May Allah help us all to marry the imaanious for His sake, and solve our many problems as we strive to obey Him (via many ways -nikaah inclusive)..til jannah. Ameeen
As Salamu Alaikum,
Jazak Allahu Khayran for this article!
I do agree that marriage has become increasingly on the radar of Muslims, and I also think its a good thing.
Most of us have a biological need for marriage and procreation. That is the way Allah created us. We were meant to be in pairs: Allah created everything in pairs, only He himself is One and Alone.
Thus, while marriage will not necessarily solve underlying problems – although it could in some cases, as the author mentions, with the permission of Allah – not being married for many will likely exacerbate some problems and may create new ones (as mentioned by others – sexual frustration, addiction to porn, depression, etc).
It maybe helpful to have an analogy with food: No one denies food is a biological need. Yet, food will not necessarily solve physical or emotional problems we have, especially if we eat poor food, too much of it, wolf it down, don’t say bismillah, etc, ie, in general, don’t follow proper sharia and manners when we eat.
Yet, clearly, the solution is not to put aside eating and focus our relationship with Allah instead. For Allah created within us a biological need for food. The solution is to try to eat the best, healthy, halal foods in a manner prescribed by Allah and His Prophet, while at the same time improving our relationship with Allah and asking him to heal our physical and psychological wounds.
I believe (and could be wrong) that the case is similar to marriage.
But you need food to survive. One could survive without marriage by Allah’s will. But you may die without food.
As Muslims, we fast and pray. We do a lot in our deen that promotes discipline. I think we all have the potential to accept sexual frustration as our challenge and get through it, just like all the other hardships in our lives. To get married just to avoid sexual frustration and temptation can prompt one to lower her/his standards for the mate, and bring in a whole new set of problems they want to escape later. There is a lot to be said for the Sabr that Islam teaches, and it can be applied to this desire just like any other.
assalam alaykum,
i am dying to get married and running out of time. married friends are too selfish to help us single girls because they are unhappy in their marriages. there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married for a halal relationship, and allah (swt) will bless the marriage with all the benefits too , insha allah! 🙂
Very good article, Mashallah. There are so many Islamic talks devoted to marriage. The other day, I youtubed videos about how to be a successful single Muslim. The search literally came up with nothing. This is a big indication – our community puts too much emphasis on initiating marital life than on how to grow as a health individual before marriage. Perhaps this is an underlying reason why the divorce rate in the Muslim community is as high as it is in the general population – prior to marriage, we’re not working on building up the individual. So, we have all of these people entering into marriage without being whole and at peace with themselves and their Creator. I definitely think the focus of Islamic talks about gender relations needs to shift – we need more talks about spiritual self growth for singles.
Alhamdulillah, at our university, we organised a student-led discussion with regards to the Islamic perspective on gender relations, but only focusing on gender relations between “single individuals”. We specifically avoided any discussion about marriage alhamdulillah.
“Although the value of the feelings of love, I have, and even though the love is almost an idol of this age, which incense burns for it , and young presents for it sacrifices of their blood , the old give it sacrifices of their reputation, songs sung for it, music, played for it, dancers dance for it , night and day, to glorify and lift it to the throne, to be the first worshiped , primary aim , the only concern , the only goal and the optimal end of life , which without , life is not life !!!!
Do you know why love is always linked with pain, and why it ends with tears and disappointment?!
The love and desire are twins .. And a woman can not be loved without being desired, and for this, as soon as the breezes of love that mixture of blood and flesh,” due to the human nature ” is turning to winds , hurricanes and tornadoes, which melts the flesh and bone in the furnace of overwhelming desire,, and the momentary pleasure , which is on fire, until extinguished.
love includes hidden cruelty, and disguised aggression, if mixed by lust, and it must colored by lust ” due to human nature “.
The woman who feels that a man captured her soul, she is also trying to tend to his soul and capture it .. in this situation, a hidden mutual aggression, although it takes the form of love.
The only time in which a love story stated in the Quran is the love story of wife of the minister in Egypt, who fell in love with her servant (Joseph) PBUH
So what , what she did , when Yusuf PBUH self-controlled himself ? And what she did when the husband entered ? she demanded to put Joseph PBUH in prison and be tortured.
“And they both raced to the door, and she tore his shirt from the back, and they found her husband at the door. She said, “What is the recompense of one who intended evil for your wife but that he be imprisoned or a painful punishment?” 1225
And what she said to her friends while she was telling the story of her love?
She said, “That is the one about whom you blamed me. And I certainly sought to seduce him, but he firmly refused; and if he will not do what I order him, he will surely be imprisoned and will be of those debased.” 1232
And what he said peace be upon him?
He said, “My Lord, prison is more to my liking than that to which they invite me. And if You do not avert from me their plan, I might incline toward them and [thus] be of the ignorant.” 1233
Because he knew by his insight , that love is a prison, and that desire is a shackle , if the man surrendered to it,it will grip on his neck until death .. and saw that to wait in prison for several years, more merciful than to submit to lust, which is imprisonment life to the end of life.
The love does not remain, pure, transparent love, and it soon ” due to human nature ” to become part of the Trinity ( love , sex and cruelty ), and that Trinity is the coherent ,coupled together by the time.
And because the love story mixed with lust, is soon to be completed by saturation in minutes, and then comes fatigue and boredom, and desire at both sides to change the ” dish “, and renew the product to ignite lust and curiosity by something new .. For this, as soon the love crumbles , to doubt, each one is afraid of the treachery of the other one .. And this in turn leads to more suspicion , Internship , cruelty, jealousy, and so love turns to misery , pain , tears and excavation.
And love hardly drifting away, never from this .. Trinity ((Love, sex and cruelty)) .. For this, it is destined by frustration and disappointment, and is doomed to fluctuate from one extreme to the opposite, turning the love into enmity and hatred,the emotions killing themselves every day a hundred times .. And that is the essence of suffering.
For this, this Trinity not suitable to be the basis for marriage .. , not suitable for building houses, and not suitable for the establishment of constant ties between both sexes.
One of signs of the greatness and miraculous of the Quran stated that when HE mentioned the marriage, did not stated love ,but affection , compassion and tranquility.
Living souls to each other, comfort the souls to each other, to do compassion, not love .. affection, not lust.
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” 30:21
” It is compassion and affection ..the Key of houses.”
Compassion necessarily contains love .. but Love does not include compassion , it is almost with lust , turns into aggression.
compassion, deeper than love, and purer,
compassion is a complex,sublime humanitarian emotion , , wherein, love , sacrifice, self-denial, tolerance, kindness, pardon, and the generosity.
we are all capable of love due to human nature.
but, few of us are capable of compassion.
And between one thousand lover, may be there is one that could show mercy, and the rest, are looking for passion, ecstasy and pleasure.
Therefore, the eternal wisdom book , that descend from ALLAH .. Reminds us at the marriage with , compassion and affection and tranquility .. HE did not mention one word about love, so, HE is dashing, the idol of this age, as HE destroyed the idols around the Kaaba.
And not in these words,a confiscation of love,or lust cancellation , but rather it emphasizes, and it is a declaration that the practice of love and lust without the framework of compassion and affection and legitimacy is tamper must come to an end in frustration.
Animals, practice love and lust and share spinning.
But rather, human alone is the one who excelled in such frame of affection and compassion and clemency, because he is the only one who was able to transcend his desires; he fasts even though he is hungry, and controls himself even though he feels yearning.
compassion is not weakness, but rather is a very strong, because it is better than the animal and bestiality and darkness sensuality.
Mercy is light and the lust is fire.
And people of compassion, are the people of light and serenity and splendor, and they are the really notables.
Cruelty is cowardice, and compassion is courage.
And no one be brought compassion but only every brave and generous gentleman.
And no one be distracted by revenge and torturing but only the people of shabbiness and rascaldom.
Compassion are the crown of paradise on the foreheads of the happy people in the promised land .. we recognize them, by their morals.
And signs of Merciful, are calmness , tranquility , tolerance, open-mindedness, gentleness, patience , wait, and self-examination before rushing in reactions .Not to rush into urgent chances and personal benefits, and self purification of rancor and adjust lust, along thinking , love of silence and being alone .
And the merciful are few, and they are corners of the world that ALLAH saves the earth, through them.
And the day of resurrection will not come , until running out of the compassion of the heart, and the rancor spread , and the large physical prevail, and the desires controls the fate of people. land building, will collapse and structures of rules will getting destroyed ..
I do not want from love but, a wooden bench, to share
And a long way to walk side by side, only, in a manner acceptable to ALLAH.
It took me a long time to put this feeling into words, and it took me much longer to understand the lesson.
O Allah, I ask You for mercy ..
O Allah, I ask You friendship lasts ..
O Allah, I ask You for housing as a loving and a good heart ..
O Allah, no mercy, but, your and from you”
Dr . Mostafa Mahmoud
jazakAllah u write very well and differences about love compassion and mercy is realy very nice,
may Allah give u reward ameen
mashallah. really nice article.
Jazakallah for a beautiful and informative article :). At this present moment i’m facing this exact challenge. I don’t feel ready for marriage at all in ANY way, however i feel a great pressure on me by my parents, family and society. I am 24. I’m not married. All my friends are getting married yet I feel no deep longing/yearning for companionship. The above reasons that you have stated are ABSOLUTELY correct as to why so many muslims are getting married, including sexual desire. Not that that is wrong, but I believe it should not be the SOLE reason for getting married. Because I see all my friends getting married for the above reasons, i feel as if there’s something wrong with me? Should i just get married because I’m getting old? Because I’m single? Because I’ve never dated? And yes i start to question myself because I’m not getting married for the above reasons, i start to question my own way of thinking and living and start doubting that I’m actually living correctly i.e. Islamically. I start thinking that I’m supposed to want to get married because I am pressurised, because I should want to feel important, because im supposed to want to fit in. I am SO glad that you wrote this article, because I don’t feel so alone anymore. I actually cried last night because I’m thinking more about whats wrong with me than anything! I just don’t feel the need for a companion. I can’t help it. It is what Allah Ta’ala makes me feel in my heart, that I am happy and content with everything that Allah Ta’ala has given me. My focus is more about focusing on Aakhirah, i dont believe that that is wrong of me to do. Nowadays, marriage is more of a joke than anything else, more of a farce. I always think to myself when people look at me with shame for being single, “Excuse me for thinking that marriage is supposed to be sacred”. Alhamdulillah I’m glad that you could help shift some of the doubt from my mind on what marriage ISN’T supposed to be 🙁 Subhanallah. Allah knows best. May Allah continue to increase our imaan, save us from calamities, forgive our sins and grant us Jannah in the Hereafter in shaa Allah ameen.
So glad for this response, sister. I know the age factor is more demanding on sisters then the brothers, but it is also an issue for the brothers as well. I am coming close to 25 and have probably never said two words to a girl in my life (being an introvert and loner may have something to with that), and now I see a future of oblivion and forlorn…I mean sometimes not only do I think I am never going to get married, but have feelings about the concept of getting married in the first place ? It is perhaps a sign of the end of times, when believers are resisting marriage, but you know I get what you are saying about worrying about the next life…”My focus is more about focusing on Aakhirah, i don’t believe that that is wrong of me to do. Nowadays, marriage is more of a joke than anything else, more of a farc”. VERBATIM
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
It is very pleasing to know that my brothers and sisters are starting to focus on what really matters (the day we meet Allah aza wa jal and he informs us of what we did.)
This world is not worth seeking out except what benefits us in the akhirah.
Abu Musa Al-Ashari reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever loves his worldly life will suffer in his Hereafter, and whoever loves his Hereafter will suffer in his worldly life; so prefer that which endures over that which is fleeting.”
Source: Musnad Ahmad 19198
Grade: Hasan (fair) according to Ibn Hajar
عَن أَبِي مُوسَى الْأَشْعَرِيِّ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ مَنْ أَحَبَّ دُنْيَاهُ أَضَرَّ بِآخِرَتِهِ وَمَنْ أَحَبَّ آخِرَتَهُ أَضَرَّ بِدُنْيَاهُ فَآثِرُوا مَا يَبْقَى عَلَى مَا يَفْنَى
19198 مسند أحمد أَوَّلُ مُسْنَدِ الْكُوفِيِّينَ من أحب دنياه أضر بآخرته ومن أحب آخرته أضر بدنياه
المحدث ابن حجر العسقلاني خلاصة حكم المحدث حسن
Ibn Masud (radiallahu anhu) said “For every moment of joy there is a moment of sorrow, and no house is filled with joy but it will be filled with sorrow.”
However, marriage is something we must do. Yes it is a test. Allah says that no doubt there are from your spouses and children, enemies to you. And also, your wealth and children are NOTHING but a fitnah and Allah has with himself a great reward. Surah At-Taghabun
Marriage is half our deen. When we get married, we are not only preventing ourselves from becoming unchaste but some other person as well inshaa Allah. Celibacy is not encouraged in Islam. Also, raising correct Muslim children is a means of reward on Yawm al Qiyamah.
So marriage is in fact better for our akhirah if Allah guides us. Remember that the Messenger of Allah sallahualayhiwasalam married a lot.
Thanks for the comment (although I’ll say that I respectfully but completely disagree with your views on homosexuals in the other post) but to re-state my point, it is more of the bleakness of life and the society that makes us turn to the akirah. It is not that I have so much money and that I have kids and all that makes me turn to the akirah, but the sheer absurdity of everyday life. The livid hypocrisy of some in the Muslim world. The double standard when it comes to education (how come no one ever told me I could be an imam or shiekh ?)The complete love of nationalism over the global ummah, the failure of political islam, the pulls of the Shia, the Whabbis and now the secular libearlist…it is all this makes to turn to my Lord. With thoughts like these, where does marriage come in ?
I don’t remember what you disagreed about me with regards to homosexuality exactly.
“but the sheer absurdity of everyday life. The livid hypocrisy of some in the Muslim world. The double standard when it comes to education (how come no one ever told me I could be an imam or shiekh ?)The complete love of nationalism over the global ummah, the failure of political islam, the pulls of the Shia, the Whabbis and now the secular libearlist”
Well, I guess that’s good inshaa Allah…all this fitna and horribleness makes you look to a time that is permanently better. Alhamdulilah who raised you in this time rather than a time like when the Sahaba were in power, when brotherhood was strong, etc. Maybe you would have loved this life too much…so this is better for you.
Don’t hate on Muhammad ibn Abdul Wahhab-he renewed Islam. He was a mujadid may Allah grant him al-Firdaws. Yes there are extremists who blow themselves up and kill innocent men, women and children but we have nothing to do with them.
Slms brother :). I too, like you am nearing 25, am also an introvert and a loner. I also think I am never going to get married because i am too shy lol. I am proud of who I am though. you won’t believe this but i actually googled “marriages and the minor/major signs of Youmul Qiyaamah”. Lol, weird isn’t it? Our parents’ marriages are so perfect with all its flaws yet our peers’ are getting married because they want the status and the opportunity of saying “hey I am Mrs so and so and have the biggest rock on my hand! :D”. I am not at all saying marriage is wrong, because like Gibran said it is a sunnah. its the fact that Nabi Muhammad SAW teaches us the correct way to do things yet, it is SO PREVALENT that our peers are doing the exact opposite. (Maaf for sounding as if i am judging others don’t mean to come off that way – i just get really upset because married couples are judging me!)Its weird that society subconsciously affects our thoughts and perceptions of what marriage, parenthood, etch should be! I am not saying i want to be celibate or not have kids, because one day I am sure i would want to be a mother. Here in South Africa, as fast as marriages are happening, so is divorce. People believe in “romance, and rainbows and butterflies” and forget that we should practise Islam in our marriage and that Allah SWT is part of marriage. Marriage is a sunnah, it IS meant to complete half of our Deen, it WILL please Allah SWT. And more than anything I would love to do that. And when Allah Ta’ala chooses the right time and the right spouse for me, in shaa Allah i will bismillah. As for the rest of my time, i will continue to be the best muslim i can be, prepare for the Aakhirah and please my Creator AMEEN 🙂
Salaam. As I have remarked before, a serious issue is how those sincere Muslims, especially converts, of suitable age can find appropriate mates. I personally, a “senior citizen” (and a never married convert), have no realistic expectation of marriage, but I feel for those younger adults who are struggling with their expectations and, yes, to be honest, natural physical feelings. (I remember those almost overwhelming natural sexual urges of half a century ago, which I received no help in dealing with.) Again, the ummah in the western countries must make serious efforts to assist young adult Muslims to enter into appropriate marriages and family life (which I never had).
Needless to say that being an unmarried girl at 25 is very different than being an unmarried guy at 25. I mean I have been told that girls peek at 25 while I guess us brothers have what until 35? Even if one were to accept that sort of stuff, the point being in this day and age how can one not think about what world our children will inherit? More and more I am tuning into the eschatological signs that are being perpetuated everyday around us, like how haal is so much harder than haram (I can easily slip into trouble, if you know what I mean!)
Personally I think people should be careful in reading the sira (sarcasm intended), because once you read it everything else seems insufficient. What majesty would it be to be around the Beloved at Badr, at Taif, at Khuṭbatu l-Wadā, at Mecca at Medina? Rest of humanity seems…well not so interesting to say the least.
Being an introvert yet at the same time being very confident in his perspectives on the world, I can see no bright future in the marriage game. If it happens, inshallah, it is meant to be. I do not have the problem that you have of having friends showing off, because first I do not have “friends” to begin with and second most guys do not show off that they are married after the first three months or so anyway (LOL!) And yes the divorce rate is sky rocketing. Back in the ‘80’s the Muslims, I guess use to brag about the divorce rate of the “kaffirs”. Unfortunately that is not the case anymore. Here in America, more than half of the marriages that took place around 2000 have ended in divorce. And most of it has to do with the absurd notions people have in their head when looking for a spouse. Most of it has too with the disgusting and occultist Hollywood nonsense. I mean if one falls in love because of the notebook or titanic than don’t be surprised when you are divorced at 23 or 25. Likewise that girl at the msa might be one person at 19, but when she turns to become any aunty down the path, that is a different path. Looks path, deen ought to grow stronger. “Romance, and rainbows and butterflies” will turn out be heartbreak, thunderstorm and moths. Better to be celibate for the sake of G then go through heartache, depressions and incredulity.
pinkypower, I felt same as you when I was 24 and I should’ve married then. The thinking of young; that you will be young forever. You don’t. Years pass by and you’re like what? I would suggest getting married before 26. You want enjoy at least a year or two with your spouse without kids. Have your kids early and then you can enjoy them without being in 40’s and running around after toddlers.
No disrespect M, but if i was feeling the need for companionship i wouldnt just JUMP at it. Even the Nabi says you have to choose your spouse with a critical eye. I know i won’t be young forever but I would have standards. You don’t just “pick an age” because you’re getting old.
A slightly side point, but I think it could be relevant. Some people may more or less drop into the first marriage opportunity without adequate consideration simply because it is so hard for some people to find a Muslim spouse at all in today’s circumstances.
This can be particularly so for converts (although some factors could apply to “born” Muslims as well). In some mosques and Islamic centers, separation of the sexes is so strict that many individuals have little if any opportunity to meet eligible members of the opposite sex. Most converts certainly cannot expect help from their families in finding Muslims mates. In some (many?) places, concerts tend to be ignored rather than fully accepted and embraced, so they wind up with few friends who might assist them in finding someone suitable. They can be pretty much alone in their search, with a lot of obstacles in the way.
Also, unfortunately, many Muslims in North America are still from somewhat tightly bound ethnic/cultural communities, and often they do not countenance marriage outside their group. For many European American and African American converts, this cuts down the pool of potential spouses even more. Some men will marry outside their group, but many people will oppose daughters and sisters marrying outside. This leaves convert men, especially, with few choices, if they can even meet someone in the first place. If there are complicating factors (for either men or women), such as age, disability, poverty, or illness, things are even worse.
The net result is that some people might snatch the first opportunity to marry that comes by, not because they are confident that this person is the right one for them, but simply because it may seem to them that they have no other choice. A kind of attitude, I don’t have any other chance, so I had better take this person, or it’s nothing for me and I will remain alone the rest of my life. For some people, marriage prospects are rather bleak, so they jump at any chance at all.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh]
JazzakAllahu khair for your comments Paul, I am beginning to appreciate them. They are nice and detailed.
A bibliographic follow-up to my own post. In today’s (14 April) edition of The Washington Post newspaper (Washington, DC, USA), on page B1, there is an article “When Abdullah Met Heather” by an author Naomi Schaefer Riley. It is about Muslims marrying non-Muslims, and it relates directly to some of the issues I referred to.
There are Muslim men who marry Christian or Jewish women, marriages which technically are allowed under Sharia, but also Muslim women who marry non-Muslim men, marriages which technically are not. The author points out, correctly I would say, that in the US, at least, children of “mixed” marriages more commonly tend the follow the religion of the mother, not the father, if they receive any religious upbringing at all. Sometimes non-Muslim men will nominally “convert” to Islam in order to marry a Muslim fiancee, but frequently (obviously not always) these alleged conversions are not really from the heart but only pro forma for the sake of supposedly legitimizing the marriage.
The upshot of the article is that many Muslims, male and female alike, in western countries often have a very difficult time finding suitable Muslim spouses. With the strict separation of the sexes in many Islamic communities, ethnicism, the lack of assistance from family and/or friends — for converts especially!!! — and the convenience of meeting non-Muslims socially and/or in the workplace, it is no wonder to me at all that so many Muslims enter into “mixed” marriages, with the practical upshot that often children from such marriages do not grow up as Muslims, if they have any religion at all.
Personal example. I never married before I became Muslim (years ago, to be honest, a conversion that did not “take” very well due in part to lack of acceptance of converts into the community where I live), and given my age (“senior citizen”), financial status, health, and other factors, I have no expectation that I will ever marry before I die. Even if there were not these factors against me, how would I meet someone suitable in the first place (if any woman would even have someone like me, which is questionable)? I have no family Muslim family who could help. In my personal circumstances, due to lack of acceptance, I have no Muslim friends who could help. With the rigid separation of the sexes in my area, I would have trouble meeting anyone on my own.
The Muslim community have got to get over their hangups, their ethnic/cultural obsessions, and get down to business of helping people find suitable mates, or just as the newspaper article pointed out, there are going to be ever more “mixed” (Muslim / non-Muslim) marriages, with probably the Muslim partners drifting away from the deen and their children never really being rooted in Islam.
Alhamdullilah marriage does make one feel more complete and fulfilled as a person, especially when one brings another person to the world. However the other understanding of marriage is half your faith means that half your faith will be tested in marriage. Your patience, generosity, need for compromise and think of others before yourself, being humble and kind, loyalty and honesty, all of these get tested by those closest to you…your spouse and your children. Marriage solves some issues of loneliness and physical needs, but brings about many more challenges and responsibilities to be dealt with. The shuyukh need to give young single people the full picture and give the young marriage guidance before marriage so that they are fully prepared and not “shocked” that life is not “happily ever after”, but “test after test”.
@ Gibran April 15, 2013 at 8:33 am
I disagreed with your views but did not explicitly wrote a rebuttal. I did write a comment under Hyde if you want to take a look at it. Further I hesitate to refer to Abdul Wahhab as re-newer of Islam, but Allah Knows Best. All his in His Hands & His is the Last Judgement. May God guide you if you are on the wrong path & may He Guide me if I am on the wrong path.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Yes, he was definitely a mujadid inshaa Allah and corrected many of the batil practices that were going on.
Again brother in Islam, I would respectfully but diametrically disagree with you when referring to Abdul Whaab as a mujahid. I can say that he may have had good intentions, but what has followed since his time in his name is hardly worth praising. Hypocrisy being the main point.
Well, I think I said mujadid but what are you talking about? I am not understanding…..hypocrisy? Who is being hypocrite?
@ Gibran April 15, 2013 at 4:09 pm
We are going way off topic, but if you insist perhaps you can email me…anyway the duplicitous hypocrisy of the followers of Wahhabi Islam, especially in the nejdi area.
No…..that’s not necessary. In any case, one must look at what he accomplished and Alhamdulilah by the permission of Allah he accomplished a very great deal. And there is no such thing as “wahhabi Islam.”
These mazars and dargahs built over the graves of pious people are clearly forbidden as is all types of bidah and shirk many people engage in.
However, there is a lot of hypocrisy among many so called Muslims, however much they differ among each other.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Salaam Brother, why would you automatically make the analogy about mazars and dargahs, if I oppose Wahabbi Islam, and that is what is, wahabbi islam. Of course dancing on graves and having the “nanga baba” phenomenon is beyond a doubt bid’ah and shirk, but what was accomplished by turning the nejd into a hypocrisy of Saudi dynasty and spreading a narrow-mindned ideology. Ironically when all this turned back on Saudi Arabia it was a problem. Anyway once again from a sunnah-al-wa jamma point of view, Abdul Wahab may have good intentions, but I would not go on to say that he was rahimahullah….please check out the lectures by Shaykh Hasan Ali tilted Sufi vs Salafi on youtube for good summary of both sides.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
May God’s mercy descend on you and me, my dear brother, on the Day of Judgment.
Salaam..
We Muslim definetely need to do something about the moral decay of this society, we need to stand with other faith communities to stop the homosexual marraiges, we will be doomed if this becomes mainstream..i fear for all our children!
In regards to Shaykh Muhammad bin ‘Abd al-Wahhab, he was a great scholar, maybe to some a mujadid/mujtahid…God knows best and may God raise the ranks of all our ulema. It is the present day Salafi’s and the so called “wahabis’ who have distorted his teachings. If he were to be here he would distance himself far far far away from these so called ‘his followers’ the immediate followers did some pretty nasty things in his name. It is unfortunate his name has been messed up in this mess. Anywyas, if you are sincere in your search to know the realities…it would require work and studying on your end..lets refrain from silly child like accusations and finger pointing while being in the state of ignorance. I bet Gibran has hardly access to any serious/real books of knowledge that he has studied under a teacher. Hyde I am sure you can benefit from some reading yourself!
Peace out Bros!
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Don’t know what “serious/real” books of knowledge have to do with anything, or studying under a teacher. And I don’t remember either Hyde or myself pointing fingers.
Hyde, Gibran and Aslan are one…they are all muslims!
Divide and conquer has done it’s due and it shall do no more.
Weather it is Abdul Wahab or Ahmed Raza Khan or any other Islamic figure, let’s agree to hold good views on all of them and insist that they all had good intentions in their heart for the bettwement of the ummah.(What their followers did may be another story.
Please check out the lectures by Shaykh Hasan Ali tilted Sufi vs Salafi on youtube for good summary of both sides
Thank you.
Seriously, everyone! we really really need to speak up against any laws that consider homosexual marriage acceptable. this is the worst a society can do to itself. we know the adab of people of Lot.
Secondly, lets promote polygamy, under rightful conditions…lets make halah what our Rab has made halal…this is a very strong need in our community, I see so many middle age sisters, many of them divorced with kids who are unable to get married. many refugee sisters, they have no homes and they end up in the ‘melting pot’ lets make a better society by marrying them under God’s law, dignified, respectable and halal.
its ok to have 5 girlfriends and commit zina with them, but its not OK to have more than one wife!
I do not advocate for, against, or otherwise with respect to polygynous marriages. A serious issue as I see it is facilitating marriages at all! As I mentioned in a post earlier, for many people, finding suitable Muslim mates can be very, very difficult, considering the rigid separation of the sexes in many mosques. If it happens that one has no Muslim family (commonly the situation of converts) or Muslim friends (again, not an uncommon matter for converts in places where they tend to be ignored and/or rampant ethnicism rears its ugly head) to help one, especially if one is no longer young, the circumstances can be daunting and even bleak. Many people remain alone, despite that they would willingly marry if they were able.
The Islamic community in the western countries have got to get their act together, get over their hangups and ethnic prejudices (against converts, especially), and make serious efforts to establish ways that individuals (again, particularly those who are no longer young) can find suitable mates.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Paul, it must be pretty horrible where you live….SubhanAllah, I’m pretty young and all these marriage articles…I should start worrying about getting a good Muslimah myself.
“The Islamic community in the western countries have got to get their act together, get over their hangups and ethnic prejudices (against converts, especially), and make serious efforts to establish ways that individuals (again, particularly those who are no longer young) can find suitable mates.”
You are describing nightmares bro….my roommate and I, (my roommate is an ethnically Pashto imam)would love to have you at the masjid. My roommate gave money to the homeless, drug addicted blond convert…yeah we’d totally welcome you with open arms.
“Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh”
Wa alaikumus salaam.
“Paul, it must be pretty horrible where you live….SubhanAllah, I’m pretty young and all these marriage articles…I should start worrying about getting a good Muslimah myself.”
Try being in your sixties, not very well off financially, and with troublesome health. My (non-Muslim) family actually refused to help my sister decide when she had received an offer of marriage. So much for family. (She told me that the night before her wedding. Fortunately her marriage has lasted for almost forty-five years now.) Muslim friends? What are Muslim friends who might introduce you to someone? Does anybody know any? I don’t.
Perhaps things have changed in my area over the years. I became so alienated years ago that I have not been inside a mosque in a long time. I met one man or another a time or two for Friday prayer in the last some years, but those were one-off meetings, not established friendships, so I don’t really know what the local “mosque scene” is like these days. However, I am on the announcement email lists of a couple of them, and they don’t lead me to think that things have changed greatly.
Granted, I could be mistaken, as I am far out of touch. These days, it is more a matter of having any meaningful, functional belief in any kind of God at all. I (meaning, converts in general in one mosque) was never really accepted into the community, so when I began having serious problems with my faith and practice, there was no one that I was comfortable with to turn to for counsel. Result? I just drifted away, and I know for sure that I am not the only one.
The drop-out rate for converts to Islam (in the USA, at least) is pretty appalling, and a lot of people seem not to care. I suspect that the marriage rate for (at least male) converts who do stay but who are not already married is pretty poor, also. Marriage might help root some people into the community, but getting married to someone suitable in the first place is the problem.
Brother Paul, if I may call you that…I have read some of your comments on the website and quite honestly it is quite heart-breaking. I can sweep and say have Sabr, but then again I am not in your shoes. It is the cemented path of the dajaal, that something that is halal is much more difficult to do then something that is haram, i.e. zina, which of course is promoted is much easier to do then going through a halal nikah.
And of course the problems are redoubled if some one is a convert, especially an older convert. I have it seen when someones converts to Islam, during the act of conversion, everybody is happy and joyous, yet after a week the converts seem to disappears into a sea of believers…when he/she needs the most help!
Your above comment about Muslims marrying non-Muslims is quite disturbing and not mention against the basic rulings of sharia. And that includes brothers marrying women from different religions, which is only allowed in a general Muslims setting. May God Protects us, this is the zeitgeist we face today.
And the fact you are a senior citizen and have had disabilities in the past, makes the idea of marriage almost non-plausible. What can I say, brother Paul, expect lets get through this life to the best of abilities and have faith (of course any stupid materialist will see this as rational way to deal with the pain by believing in the next life…but what can we say of those that have no imaan?!)
And I can’t even describe the absurd almost crud prejudice against converts by some of the uncles and elder aunties of the traditional Arab and indo-pak background.
Check these videos out for what I mean:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npZenx6zK3k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQ2oL-udOqA
It so stupid to actually marry somebody from your culture, I mean it is so boring! (There is so much exotic stuff out there fellas!) More so it should be a tactic to marry converts and outside of your culture, since their children not only will be exposed to more different cultural but also it would be diffuclt to tell them “go back to your country”. A while back I saw a video of a Welsh revert marrying another Welsh revert, so the child they had was the first all Welsh born Muslim in perhaps history! What a remarkable achievement! Alhamdulillah!
Of course I know some dimits that would hang around with non-Muslim girls as girlfriends and whatnot, but if any of them were to convert, then these guys would completely turn about-face and leave them hanging (my mom is going to kill me!) What a hypocrisy ?
Brother Paul, I do not do the social media scene, but if you keep writing on these websites, me or some brother will keep answering!
There is an attack of traditional belief itself. Homosexual unions are allowed, there is an incest trial going on in German I think, then there is the acceptance of pornography, but polygyny is not allowed. Funny how all things that are sanctified by God are considered abnormal, but all things that have been shunned by God are considered okay and being accepted. When I was little kid, and my mum use to tell stories about signs of the end of times, I use to think it would take so long to see those sings, boy was I wrong! (You can read my comment on the post about elephant in the room)
New Zealand just passed their gay-marriage bill. And it will spread. Sheikh Tahir ul Qadri had a very important lecture on how homosexuality will start entering Muslim houses en mass (surprise, surprise through the televisions/film media!)
Never quite understood gay pride. If I was a drunk would I go around bragging telling everybody I was a drunkard and show my drunken pride. Similarly with zina or any other sin. If some Muslim were to be a homosexual, why can’t they stay in the closest and go from there. Why must they be “proudly” of their sin? And I must say why some of the sisters are diametrically opposed to polygyny but seem to be very accepting of homosexuals? (not protest via Islamic methods, but via the route of Western criticism). Yes polygyny is not the norm, and one can make an argument it should be the norm, but to ban it, to completely deny it…after it has been sanctioned by God, what is that all about expect acquiescent to Western methodology?
You said it, zina with five different women is okay, but marriage unthinkable!
Very wise is mr hyde 🙂
For all of you who are seeking to meet/find a spouse. I would highly recommend, halfourdeen.com . mA. these folks are doing a great service for the community.
I started crying at “if you find yourself currently in a rut—everything seems to be going “bad” for you; you’re depressed, lonely, sad, angry, frustrated, confused, or hurt—take a step towards Allah (swt).”
MashAllah your way of expression is right where it should be. Great job. And JazakAllah Khair for this important reminder.
I find this article very disturbing. Marriage is important. It serves as an honour and protection for a woman. For me, my dreams of adulthood included being in a loving family and motherhood. Instead, I obeyed the strict rules of Islam, had no dealings with men unless it was in the workplace, was brainwashed by my very religious parents into believing that THEY would arrange a marriage for me….only to find myself alone, unwed, childless at age 42. I work hard to keep myself financially stable, and I am at the constant beck and call of my elderly parents. Their attitude is that no one was ever interested in me. They refused to network on my behalf because it was improper. My brothers were given free reign to do what they wanted and sure enough they are married with children.
Yes, marriage must be a priority for parents and singles alike.
However I will say that Muslims are VERY hung up on ethnicity, skin colour, immigration, a girl’s age, complete seclusion from the opposite sex, and the wishes and desires of parents. All of these hang ups are roadblocks to marriage amongst single Muslim girls raised in the West. There is a reason why the number of unmarried Muslim girls in North America over age 35 far exceeds the unmarried non Muslim female population from the same age group.
It is for this reason that I encourage all Muslim girls over 35 to consider all options for marriage, including marriage to honourable non Muslim men of the book. There is no advantage or silver lining to living alone, childless, with a lack of intimacy (a normal human need, btw), and lack of financial partner who can help you when the going gets tough. I have tried, and it’s no picnic. Being a minority in this country is hard enough, but when you are also alone, unmarried, in a world that values relationships and marriages and babies, it gets pretty lonely and sad.
Hopefully on the day if Judgement Allah the most merciful will be aware of the hang ups that plagued our parents and other Muslims in North America that prevented us from pursuing healthy Muslim marriages.
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Assalam alaikum, Marriage is the solution of all the points you described here author, Marriage is solution from protection of temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.’Most Important you will be saved from a Biggest fitna of illegal sexual intercourse,which makes lot of other fitnas come running to you at 3 times of speed.
Narrated Abdullah: We were with the Prophet (peace be upon him) while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah’s Apostle said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.”
Sahih Al-Bukhari – Book 62 Hadith 4.
So the point is Author i am not agreed with your point.
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