Question:
I was engaged to be married, but one day my fiancé changed like the weather, and chose to marry another woman. I have been broken, humiliated, and abandoned. Now, every time I try to move forward with other relationships, I face another failure. I have been deserted by those I love the most, betrayed, and I remain unmarried, childless and constantly disappointed. I am patient, I pray and make du`a’ (supplications), and fulfill my duties toward Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). But I really feel very lonely at times, and there’s a pain in my heart. I wish I could wake up one day with a smile and joy, and not with a compressed heart and wounded soul. How can I alleviate this pain I am going through?
Answer:
You have experienced a break-up which has deeply hurt and embarrassed you. You are missing the emotional connection you had with your fiancé and are now feeling sad and lonely without him in your life. A failed relationship, despite its difficulty, is a learning experience and an opportunity for personal growth. It sounds like you are trying to meet other people for marriage and are eagerly seeking to be married and to have children. This process has entailed many disappointments for you, and possibly feelings of insecurity and fear have arisen that you will remain unmarried and without children for a long time.
To overcome feelings of loneliness you can begin by learning to be okay by yourself. Be comfortable with yourself and engage in self-reflection about who you are as a person and with other people. This self-awareness will help improve your relationships with other people. Once you are comfortable with yourself, you will be able to interact with others with less of a “hungry need” and with more of an ability to give of yourself. You will show a deeper interest in others and project a self confidence that people around you will be responsive to. You will then be poised to meet people and make the most of every social contact you make. To further alleviate feelings of loneliness, you can join groups and organizations where you can relate with others who have similar interests. For instance, join a class and learn something new or volunteer for a cause that you believe in. Through these types of experiences, you will meet other likeminded individuals and find social support that will help to alleviate feelings of loneliness.
Companionship is a natural desire that all human beings crave. Feelings of loneliness naturally wax and wane through a person’s lifetime due to experiences and incidents that happen in life, such as losing friendships, moving away from loved ones, etc. Some people feel loneliness for extended periods of time, and this can lead to depression. When people feel depressed, they see life through “dark lenses” and lose hope for the future. If you are overcome with feelings of loneliness and unhappiness, it may be beneficial to seek a therapist to talk to about your feelings and find needed support. Without the help of a professional, feelings of depression can be very difficult to overcome because of negative thinking patterns and feelings of helplessness. You are still grieving that your fiancé broke off your engagement and feeling that your future is bleak. Active patience as well as a positive attitude about what Allah (swt) has planned for you will help you move forward. You now have the opportunity to meet new people and to become invested in activities you are passionate about. You also have time to engage in self-reflection and prayer to accept that Allah (swt) has planned a different course for you and trust in His Divine Wisdom and Plan.
