Part I | Part II
Ask a Muslim couple to give you a challenge in their relationship and many will say “family interference.” The stress that family and in-law interference brings to a marriage can be so overwhelming that for some couples it can lead to divorce. In a recent study by Sound Vision, it was found that ten percent of divorces were a result of family interference. The parent-child relationship, like the husband-wife relationship, is a special bond that encounters challenges when the child moves into a marital relationship, causing everyone to learn how to navigate their new roles. In order for couples to maintain healthy relationships with their parents, while simultaneously nurturing their own marriage, there needs to be communication and a clear understanding of the changing relationships.
Parents and extended family are vital in that they provide the new couple with stability and support. However, if boundaries are not clearly defined, it can overwhelm a couple and erode their marital bond. The collectivist cultures many immigrant families come from have begun to clash with the individualist society we live in and many families are not able to find peaceful co-existence in their newly formed families. Discussions about problems with in-laws and family interference in our community are met with two common arguments: that “children” need to remember to obey their parents and that parents just need to stop “meddling” and allow the new couple space to grow and nurture the relationship. However, neither of these arguments addresses the core issue that is causing in-laws to interfere in today’s nuclear families.
Most immigrants, who arrived in the U.S., left behind villages and generations of extended family. Starting a new life and beginning a family in the U.S. has often occurred in isolation and without family support. The isolation immigrant parents often feel in the U.S. has manifested into a desperate need to hold onto their nuclear family. Immigrant parents left behind their siblings and parents and now hold strong to the only “family” they have in the U.S. – their own children. Children may be seen as not only preserving a cultural lineage but as an emotional bond that is lacking in the parents’ lives. Therefore, the strong emotional attachment a parent feels to their child may be difficult to let go of once their child gets married.
Feelings of insecurity and fear are what are causing many parents to meddle in their children’s marriages. Many parents have a fear of losing their child when they get married and that they may no longer be important in the child’s life. Their behaviors are not necessarily coming with malicious intent; rather the parent’s unconscious feelings of insecurity drives them to interfere as they try to cope with “losing” their child to a spouse. In addition, parents of children who are overly dependent on them for emotional or financial support may have a harder time allowing their child to become independent decision makers once they get married. There are some subtle signs in the early stages of the marriage where the parents may position themselves to hold onto the relationship with their child. Parents may “test” their child’s loyalty to the family by making demands, threats and even withholding support of the new couple. Parents may also be critical of the spouse to see how their child will react in order to determine where loyalties lie. Parents may be insensitive to the couple’s need for physical and emotional privacy. They may give unsolicited advice and give their approval or disapproval of all decisions the couple makes. All of these behaviors may be seen by the parents as showing their care and concern, however the new couple may see it as interference and may not know its causes or how to deal appropriately with their parents.
Couples who are on the path toward marriage must have conversations early on with their parents about the changing family dynamics that will soon be taking place once the couple is married. Open communication with parents and in-laws is vital so that parents can express their concerns and feelings about the marriage as well as feel honored and respected in the family. This is also an opportunity for the couple to reassure their parents that they will continue to respect them and that a space will always exists in their life for them. The change in the relationship between the parent and child needs to be discussed, accepted, and ultimately welcomed as the next stage in life. The new level of interaction between a married couple and their respective parents will require a mature approach.
The Qur’an mandates that children always show kindness and respect to their parents, yet it does not mandate obedience. This is important to distinguish because many couples have a difficult time drawing boundaries with parents out of a fear of “disobeying” them. Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (Glorified and Exalted is He) says, “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as] “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” (Qur’an, 17:23) Couples should always listen respectfully to their parents’ views and advice, but ultimately the couple must make decisions that are best for them as a unit and not out of a sense of guilt.
Many cultures have maintained control over their family through emotional manipulation and guilt veiled by the banner of Islamic duty. Obeying one’s parents has become the catch phrase remedy for all difficulties rather than critically thinking about what Allah (swt) is mandating. This verse from the Qur’an is used repeatedly to teach small children how they must always listen and obey their parents and to never talk-back. Yet if we carefully look at the verse, one notes the phrase “when parents reach old age” indicating that the “child” is actually an adult interacting with an elderly parent. It is in these times, as adults, that we must especially show kindness and respect to our parents when they are in old age and may be experiencing loneliness. Similarly, famous hadith (sayings of the Prophet ﷺ) are often invoked such as, “Jannah (Paradise lies at the feet of your mother,” as well as the reminder from the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) of who to honor most: “your mother” three times, then your father. Muslims are repeatedly mandated to be respectful and to show kindness to parents, especially their mother. Yet, no where do the Qur’anic verses and hadith suggest that parents have control over their child’s life, nor that children must obey their parents’ desires. Numerous times in the Qur’an we are reminded: “…and no bearer of burdens shall be made to bear another’s burden…” (Qur;an, 6: 164, 17:15, 35:18, 39:7 and 53:38). As adults, Muslims are responsible for their own choices in life and even though they may take advice and guidance from their parents, ultimately accountability falls on the individual for the choices made in life.
This understanding is critical when young couples get married and when spouses choose to “obey” their parents’ wishes or demands out of guilt or Islamic deference rather than choose to do what is best for the couple and their future. These early choices and patterns of behavior can have long lasting impacts on the marriage. As a therapist, I have encountered numerous cases of couples with marital problems because of allegiance to a parent trumping regard for their own spouse. The resulting resentment and hostility created in the family is often not resolved and continues to fracture family relationships. Newly married couples have a fragile new relationship to foster and new skills to develop as a married couple. When the pressure from in-laws and parents is excessive, a new marriage will crumble under the stress and interference. This can be prevented only if couples take the time to establish boundaries with their parents and effectively make the shift from a dependent parent-child relationship to an interdependent marital relationship, while at the same time showing kindness and respect to their own parents. The massive amount of change that takes place interpersonally can be overwhelming and many couples are not prepared for the new challenges.
There will always be meddling parents and couples will not be able to change that reality. However, by understanding the insecurities often at the core of their meddling and by creating boundaries early in the marriage, a couple can minimize the potential for conflict that arises from in-laws who interfere. When couples establish boundaries on how they will interact with in-laws, they will develop healthier relationships with their spouse as well as with their parents. The boundaries a couple can establish will be discussed in part two of this article.
Salaam, thanks for the very insightful article. If I may ask a question, in your experience as a professional do you think it is wise to live with your parents after marriage? (This being from the mans perspective)
no. It allows for no bonding time and space for the new couple. The new wife is intimidated by the new home, and is afraid to even eat at her in-laws place. Fights will soon ensue about the new bride not doing enough to help or not doing it the “right way” (read: her mother-in-law’s way). In the face of this pressure, the husband usually sides with his mother even if she is blatantly wrong or abuse. Don’t do this. If you have an option, move close by, but in your own home. It is the least you can do for your wife who is leaving the love and comfort of her parents’ home to live with you.
Yet, no where do the Qur’anic verses and hadith suggest that parents have control over their child’s life???
what about the hadith when prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam tells a man, whose father steals from his wealth that your father owns you and everything that you own. wallahu ‘alam.
Yes, I am one of the victims of in law interference and lost my wife. But I need to look objectively and see its also my ungratefulness to blame. Allahummahfazuha, wa maghfiruha. inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi rajioon.
salaam
Really good article mA! I think the author made seem important points and it was always refreshing to see brothers and sisters take a new look at what may seem as old problems, taking care to apply the fundamentals without getting caught up in details.
However, I would say that there are a few key problems that need to be taken into consideration. For example:
– Too many brothers and sisters rush into getting married to each other. That doesn’t mean that they need to wait five years before they do get married, but it does mean that maybe they need to carry out a lot more research as to who exactly they’re marrying ,their family background, what kind of demands/expectation their potential in-laws would have of them and to what extent will they be involved in their lives etc. This I think will avoid a lot of the problems that occur when a sister enter a family that is essentially in a different book to her, let alone being on the same page. While we can never plan 100% for the future, I think many brothers and sisters make the fatal mistake of believing they know what’s best for them and they already know all that they need to know, without really consulting anyone else, asking for their help in this matter or taking their opinions on board.
ws
This article has a good message to it.
Assalamualaikum,
“Yet, no where do the Qur’anic verses and hadith suggest that parents have control over their child’s life, nor that children must obey their parents’ desires. ”
Although i know what you mean in regards to marriage and knowing the rights of the spouses and parents i do wonder what you mean. I am a layman but have always been taught that you have to obey your parents unless it infringes upon someone else’s rights and/or is haraam. Asking for myself, my parents are trying to force me to be a doctor so they cant do that? Using google i found this and was curious.
Abdullah ibn Umar narrated that the Prophet (PBUH) told a person that one who awoke in the morning as obedient to his parents, according to the commandments of Almighty Allah, was like one who found two doors opened for him in Heaven. And he will find one door opened if any one of his parents was alive. But one who broke the day as disobedient to his parents defying the orders of Allah the Almighty, was like one who found the two doors opened for him in Hell. And he will find one door opened if any one of his parents was alive. The man asked the Prophet (PBUH), if one should be obedient to his parents even if they were insensible to him? The Prophet (PBUH), replied, “Yes , even if they are insensible ; yes, even if they are insensible; yes, even if they are insensible.”
I think this whole “joint-family” system leads to too many problems whether in the East or West.
It’s better in my perspective for a couple to live on their own once they are married (close enough to family though). That way they can have their personal space and freedom.
Absolutely right. There is nothing in Islam that requires couples to live in the same home. Living apart from the rest of the extended family will go a long way in ensuring a smoother marriage.
Salam,
there is a slight blind spot in the article when it problematizes the immigrant parents as a monolithic group who are primarily collectivist/communitarian in culture (i think village was used as a context). although that could have been true within a certain ethnic group but in general the immigration paradigm has shifted considerably in US/canada with more families relocating directly from urbane and nuclear family backgrounds from their country of origin. although i agree that the number of joint-families may increase as immigrant parents start to retire with fewer avenues to support themselves but their reality would not have changed much had they decided not to immigrate. the reality of retirement in big metropoles (from kualalampur to cairo) that supply the bulk of our immigration today is that of old age pension, or if one is lucky then a house with servants. the joint-families have been effectively broken by the rampage of modernity even in the farthest corners of the orient (for lack of a better word). the differences that arise between these two sets of parents are more or less culturally conditioned and less to do with their status as immigrants. young families anywhere who choose to live with their parents go through this route of love-hate relationship, often ending up their marital contract. ofcourse the west with its acute sense of alientation and high-expectations bring a higher toll on the parental bondage. its true that the parents who choose to stay closer to their chidren “back home” still lack a considerable social life other than giving free advices to where they are not called for. anyone remembers raymond’s mother? my assumption is that parental interference among the immigrants are bound to reduce as life styles are changing on both sides of the spectrum faster than we think, yet not fast enough to reach outside the mosque community and find the local birder’s or cyclist club. until then my son would better find a deaf wife!
There are certain things which we are allowed to disobey our parents on. For example, if it’s time for salah and your parents are you telling you not to pray, you have the right to disobey them.
However, I think one of the things we must realize is that respecting our parents entails obedience. If you truly respect your parents, you will do what they say it of respect. But the beauty about this is that you can respect somebody but not listen to them, in the sense that if they want you to marry a certain someone and you don’t like that certain someone, you can kindly say I don’t want to.
Great comment brother. I agree that the issue of respecting versus obeying our parents is not as black and white as the article makes it out. It’s a balancing act between the two.
Asa
Sister dont put yourself down what allah did was for the best.
I am a brother who was stuck between my mum and my wife i didnt realise how unhappy my wife was she always kept a brave face so i dont get stressed or hurt i was very naive and took my mothers side and did the awful thing by kicking my wife and baby out of my home all i can say is shaitaan got better of me.
It took me a while to realise what a big part of my life my wife and baby were and i couldnt stand being apart i did awful things to get back at my wife basically tortured her which im deeply repenting for.
My wife took me back we live in a separate home to my parents best decision i made im not stuck in the middle anymore i visit my parents often and still have my own family much more happier and less stressful im very lucky to have a very forgiving wife alhamdulillah
Also, if your mother is blatantly lying about your wife or something she did or said, you do not have the right to falsely accuse your wife or abuse her. Taking your mother’s side when she is unjust will not lead you to Paradise.
Salam aleikum,
This was a great article. In-law interference is a universal problem. My husband and I are both converts, his parents are American, my mom is English. We have had a tremendously difficult time with interference from our parents. We should have established boundaries at the beginning of our marriage, instead we learned from our experience and are much happier now, alhamdulilah.
Salaam alaikum,
I really liked this article. I have to say though, that this isn’t only a problem for immigrants or first gen Americans. Anyone who’s watched “Everybody Loves Raymond” knows that parents can be meddling regardless of culture or religion, and in some cases regardless of whether they live with a couple or not (although I assume living in the same home makes it worse).
Just a thought. The advice, I believe applies in any situation.
I love this article. Everything was well said. I think this issue is a common problem among newly wedded couples and Insha Allah this article benefits alot of young couples.
As’salamu’alaikum
Jazakallahu kheir, I enjoyed reading the article tremendously and helped me to prepare a discussion with my husband inshaAllah.
I’m a revert and have been married for 22 years, alhamdulillah. I have a very controling mother in law and while freshly married was much easier to deal with this. Now after having had 4 children I’m worried about financial security for me and my kids if something should happen to my husband. After all this years of marriage we have not established a home for ourselves in my husbands home country as we are obligated to live with his mother, money is not the problem.
This article gave me peace, now realizing that actually I’m not going overboard in my complains, as my husband calls it when I want to set things straight. Jazakallahu kheir.
[…] therefore they may limit contact to the “foreign family” or never warm up to the spouse. When in-laws avoid the new couple for personal reasons, it can cause stress to the marriage and family. Also, when the couple has children they will need […]
AA
I’m a sister who has been divorced because my husband listened to his mum. I thought I got on very well with my mother in law and even naively gave up a flat to live with her. I didn’t realise she was judging me all that time.
I married my husband after knowing him 3 months because he insisted. Within a year he divorced me. We argued but I felt I was being judged by his family and he never respected me. He always mocked me eg. said I was fat, a coward, I was bad at my job, etc I realised he didn’t really care for me when I was ill (abroad) and instead of supporting me he went to see his friends in a hotel nearby.
Anyway I said we should move out but his mum poisoned him against this. We were even about to go flat hunting. I even said I would pay half the rent. We both had very good jobs Alhumdulillah. A few weeks later he divorced me saying we are not compatible. He was verbally abusive in those weeks by trying to make me give up my maher.
So I am left, hurt, broken and in despair. Im so unhappy but no one knows because I put on a brave face. He is off on holiday and enjoying himself. I’m left here with no joy in my life. I don’t enjoy anything in my life and I can’t wait till I die. I’m hoping that all the pain I’m suffering will cleanse me of my sins.
In laws can be awful especially if you are as naive as me. My mother in law said she would treat me like a daughter and I believed her but it was all a lie. I’ve learnt people are liars and unforgiving.
I know I wasn’t perfect but I barely had a marriage!!! I really hate life and people.
I hope that in time you will feel better. I am in a similar situation to you but feel better when I remember what other blessings I have.
oh am in a same situation but i ditn get divorced yet,i dont understand why in asian family we have to live with in laws what kind of law is that no wonder we gets divorced after 2 or 5 months of our wedding i swear i hate my i laws there just awfull why dont they understand we married our husband not with all our inlaws,i told my husband to move out he said he is gona talk to his dad i nust hope we move out i have 2 kids and we 4 people live in a room how disgusting is that………..
Hello,
I find this to be great advice. I am of a different faith yet I found this is more of a Universal problem, rather than just Islamic families. I am pleased to find this and I’m pleased to learn more of the Islamic faith. Thank you, very good article! It helps my husband and I tremendously.
RK
I absolutely agree that couples should never start off their relationship living in the same home as the in-laws. This seems to be a distinctly South Asian problem, as I know few to no other Muslims of other cultures who have this issue because from the start they have their own space.
Once a wife is living with her in-laws, she will hardly ever be allowed to say much in the relationship, and will always be overpowered by the mother-in-law in particular. This becomes a huge problem once kids come along, since the in-laws’ parenting techniques, however wrong or inappropriate, will hold sway.
Most husbands living with their parents are cowards and will tolerate their wives being put down and humiliated by their parents, even though this is abusive and clearly contradictory to Islam.
Solutions include:
1. A sister putting in her marriage contract that she will not live with her in-laws. Period. She can and should agree to live close by, but living under the same roof is not Islamically required and it has and usually does lead to intrusion and abuse (particularly verbal and emotional), primarily of the wife, but also of her children.
2. The Wali of a sister asking an interested brother point blank where the couple will live after marriage and not allowing the marriage to proceed until he has secured an apartment or home. Otherwise, the brother can take his proposal elsewhere.
3. Older parents should never be left to fend for themselves, but the South Asian-style of everyone living together is just plain abusive. And it’s not just a pain for the wife. Many in-laws, long used to doing things their way or leading a quiet life with grown up children have little tolerance for small children and the noise and mess they bring, even when those children are their own grandchildren. I have seen this first-hand.
It is better for older parents to have their own clean, quiet home with frequent visits from grandchildren, who live close by, but who they don’t have to hear screaming, squealing, crying, etc. at night.
4. Older Muslims need to learn to let go. While respecting parents is very important, so is not hanging on to the Dunya, which includes your family. As they age and move closer to death, older Muslims should be expected to take responsibility for their own behavior even as their children are expected to respect them and not say “Uff”. Older Muslims should remember that while they have rights as parents, they also have to treat others, children and grandchildren, with respect as well. Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, was not rude, callous, abusive or arrogant toward those younger than him. Our older parents need to be gently reminded of this, preferably by an Imam they respect.
There are enough stresses on the Muslim family today. Living together is an added stress that Muslim families should avoid from the start and establish boundaries respectfully.
I love the solutions you present sister Meg; thanks for your comment. Although born and raised in the U.S., I recently got married to a wonderful man who lives in Pakistan with his mother. Before marriage, I didn’t think deeply enough about our living situation after marriage, and everyone (including me) simply assumed that I will live with my husband in his house (i.e. his mother’s house). I agree with you that this probably mostly a sub-continental thing, and I was very naive before marriage about this would work out in the future. Now after 8 months of marriage, alhamdulillah I am very happy with my husband, but am definitely feeling the strains of living in my in-laws house. I hope to discuss this with my husband soon inshallah. I’m not sure what will come of this discussion; at the very least I hope that he can understand things from my point of view. A request to all readers that Allah makes my transition into this new phase of life easy for me inshallah. Thank you.
Also, just to clarify my post above, this living situation in Pakistan s temporary (about 3-4 years) until we come back to the U.S. to live. From reading my comment it sounds like it’s forever, it’s not, but it’s still a big adjustment that I’m struggling with. Hence the request for duas.
Most husbands living with their parents are cowards and will tolerate their wives being put down and humiliated by their parents, even though this is abusive and clearly contradictory to Islam.
I agree. I was humiliated by my mother in law yesterday. She was so supportive of her son (my husband)and asked me to check on myself if i am a good wife. She even said i should look at how other women in their family treat their husband.
My husband verbally and emotionally abused me and yet nobody knows. His mother said he did the right thing.He said i should be ashamed of myself and t hat i am lazy idont do sunnah prayers like he and his family does.
Dear Anza, It is NOT okay for your husband to verbally and emotionally abuse you. Your problem isn’t only with your in-laws, it’s with your husband. I would encourage you to try to express your feelings to your husband. Has he always been abusive? Have you told your mother-in-law that it hurts your feelings to be put down? Communication is key in improving relationships all around. Check out http://www.southasianinlaws.com that offers more guidance and a forum to discuss in-law relations.
this i what i called my husband you are such a coward and he really is the nobhead…….anyways he will find out he should have moved out.
Sister in need of dua, I am quite in a similar situation.
I can never forget how my sis in law spoke to me before the meeting of both sides. She shouted at me (on the phone) whilst I was at office. I merely kept quiet. I was so naive then … I made a big mistake of not discussing this incident with my parents. If I had highlighted this to them, they would have advised me to stop the wedding plans. Few people have told me that the marriage will not work. I really regret … I should have not rushed in. Do not allow age to cause anyone to rush into a marriage. Education level play a big role as well.
Think hard, pray hard and discern if it is according to God’s plan.
In addition to the above, it will be an eye-opener for everyone if research, studies and interviews are conducted … in Malaysia and Singapore. This will be truly a wakeup call for those who have siblings in law. It’s one way for us to express ourselves (if given a chance to be interviewed). Look at the divorce rates in both countries. It’s bad enough.
It is amazing what a universal problem this is! I firmly believe that my marriage has suffered enormously due to in-law interference.
The typical South Asian Muslim man, firmly adheres to respecting and obeying his parents, right or wrong. What Mother in law and Father in law says is law.
From Day 1, they whispered about me behind my back. From Day 1 they judged me and my whole family. Once I moved in with them, they insinuated how incapable I was, how lazy I was, how deficient I was.
Finally, after 3 months of moving in with my in-laws, I decided to set the record straight and discuss what they despised about me so much. I would much rather they told me nicely how to improve myself (since I was never good enough for them, because they are sooo accomplished and perfect), than talk about me behind my back (all the time) and hurt me indirectly or directly in this way. However, how dare I even approach them to discuss these matters and defend my honour and self. Clearly, I transgressed all bounds. I was the daughter in law who actually “spoke back to her inlaws (spoke/talked back= anything that does not agree to whatever the in-laws are saying). So man of the issues they had against me were misconceptions. The list of things they found wrong with me and my family are appalling.
For some reason, it is an accepted norm of South Asian culture for the “elders” (in-laws) to dictate how everyone else should live, behave, act, work, etc… It is acceptable for in-laws to “speculate” (backbite incessantly) about how this person is so lazy, that person is not educated enough, that person is too fat, etc… It is also accepted norm to boast about oneself as much as possible, it is not showing-off, it is “telling others how they should live and be (like myself)”.
I can write a book on South Asian in-laws…
My husband sees his parents as angelic people incapable of hurting anyone. I now wish that I had not rushed into marriage and that too at such a young age. I was so naive. Whilst I have grown more mature and stronger from my experiences in life, I have experienced a great deal of pain. Sometimes I wonder how I will overcome all this hardship. I deeply love my husband, but as we are living in 2 different countries right now, Allah Knows best how long our “marriage” will last.
In conclusion, a painful marriage may be a test from Allah. It may be a punishment of your previous sins, indeed we have amassed mountainous amounts of sins. Whilst marriage brings about a lot of pain, it does also bring joy. I make dua that Allah helps us all inshallah, emerge from such hardship as better Muslims.
After all, this dunya was only created for the worship of Allah. And it is to Allah that we will return. Remember the hardship of Assiya in her marriage to Pharaoh? Our marriages have caused us an iota of pain compared to her pain!
I admire your courage and ability to see through all the fog to what Allah has planned for us, which is always good. Your comment helped me to see past some negatives in my own life, thank you!
I have been in this situation where my husbands father came to the use to visit then dicided to stay that was ok. But this was five years ago he know has a job and is in no hurry to move out me and my husband have talked about it and I do get it he can not ask him to live but my thing is this why should we have to ask he needs to know that he needs to. A got a store from a lady tha hard spoken to him one time about it and he said that he is in no hurry till he is asked. To me that is selfish he wants a reason to go tell pole tha his daughter in-law chest him out he has already talked about my food, mothering, cleaning, and my thing is if you don’t like it MOVE out please. Help me if their is an article I can sneak under his bed or a book help help five years a long time
Inlaws problem is universal. Africa is bad, nigeria is worst when it comes to inlaw interference. I’ve read d article,read comments too, am not a muslim, but i av seen that it is a global issue. The insult u get, the abuses, the mockrey laughters thrown at u, worse if u dont av a child for their son yet, its terrible. U define boundaries they break it, my bible says what can d rigtheous do if d foundation is destroyed? My home is packed full of my inlaws: father, mother, sister n brothers, i am just alone in d mist of 7. I spoke wit my husband about their stay, he abused me in front of them,threathned i wil leave my home and his people will stay. It is painful very painful. I av looked unto God as my help, n if only i have a child, i would’nt mind their arrogance, for my child would b my comfort.
Salam sisters,
I have been facing this issue since past 1 year. I live with my husband and his parents. I work full-time, study part-time, come home and cook (partly).
I was ‘supposed’ to work to fund my own studies, even though all these things were talked about before our wedding. My in-laws have no sense of commitment or ‘words’. My mother-in-law doesn’t go to the masjid even though we are just a mile away from one and my father-in-law drives. She made puri and kheer a day before Eid till 12-1 at night and doesn’t go to Eid prayer in morning. They say Eid is not Eid without this food stuff. Sometimes I feel they live to eat.
I had to hear “If her parents knew she is so sick, they shouldn’t have sent her”, just because I am unable to do too much after sehri preparation, full day of work and suffering from some undiagnosed condition since past 6-7 months. Still I do my best. I talk to them, smile, eat together, cook together, follow their whims. Still it seems I have got no value.
My uncle who is a doctor got all tests done. Turns out I have severe joint pain, dizziness, low pressure, high pulse, chest pain, etc because of stress (after they moved in with us).
My sister-in-law comes to visit us. She calls me a b**ch last Friday (a day after Eid) and on the other hand, my father-in-law had once said I don’t have any values. (What hypocrisy?!)
My mother-in-law complains that I have American thinking just because I prefer having my own bank account and want a separate place to live. (Both demands are not unislamic)
What hurts most is when my own husband who says he loves me so much, doesn’t stand up for me after all this. He listens but doesn’t understand my condition, which is getting worse.
Currently, I am at my uncle’s place who is my guardian in this country.
Whatever I do from this point of time is only for Allah’s approval of me.
Please pray for me, that I get strength and patience to go back and deal with such people.
-Sister
i asked for what is in-law interference
[…] Read the rest of the article at: http://www.virtualmosque.com/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/in-law-interference/ […]
1. A sister putting in her marriage contract that she will not live with her in-laws. Period. She can and should agree to live close by, but living under the same roof is not Islamically required and it has and usually does lead to intrusion and abuse (particularly verbal and emotional), primarily of the wife, but also of her children.
I wish i had put this in my marriage contract now my marriage is over!!
I wish I had put this in my marriage contract as well. Or at least that after a certain number of years, after my husband got more settled in his job, that I would live separately from my mother in law. Marriage is a whole different game in itself, and adding to that the dynamics of living with either spouses parents just adds to the difficulty in adjusting to each other as a couple. If anyone here plans to get married and is worried about how certain things will work out in the future, don’t hesitate to put it in a marriage contract, even if you think its not the norm in your or your husbands culture and there may be talk about it. Just do it. It will inshallah save you both from conflicts down the line.
I stand by that newlyweds should live on thier own without any in laws as this will help the couple to me more independant and grow as a couple!
The husband usually gets stuck between the mother and the wife and ends up taking his mothers side which in this generation is the cause of all arguments and eventually divorce!!
Hi i need some marital advice i had a love marriage at the age of 19 against my parents wishes i chose him over my family after marriage my family stuck by me i moved in with my husband and in laws my father in law is lovely man but my mother in law is pure evil as soon after marriage she was nice but when my parents started to visit she would take financial advantage as my family are well off i have known my husband for 3years and hes never been the way he started to act after marriage and i think its due to his mother she has full control of everyones earning always asking for money me and my husband are struggling yet she takes every penny my husband earns!
Due to the stress my husband has been abusing me verbally snd physically i have fought bk and hit him too during a conflict my husband punched me infront of my mother in law to which she blames me i called the police cos i feared he would hurt me.
I am 21 now with a 1year old son me and mu husband have been seperate for 6months still married not living together i have waited for him praying he will get in contact and take me and my son back i dont think he cares anymore he has become so cold hearted and evil i have found out he has been sleeping with escorts and drinking i never in my life thought this is the man he is for my sons sake i want my marriage to be saved i pray 5times and teach my son all islamic values i dont want him to know what his father has become.
Does anyone have a way where i can help my husband become a good person and save my marriage he is the love of my life yet he hurts me i want to live with just me him and our son so we can figure out our lives but i know in my heart he wont leave his mum she doesnt even care that his marriage is over what kind of mother is that my father in law had told me to move on and forget my husband as he feels that my husband wont change!
Asalamu alaikum,
Im sorry for what you are going through. But how could you possibly be considering to get back with a drunkard and someone who sleeps around? You are still young with little life experience thats why you are trying to fix a broken marriage.
If your husband isnt willing to change then their is nothing we can do.
Take this opportunity and leave because their are sisters in their late 20’s who are in your position who regret not leaving their abusive husband.
Peace..
GETTING OVER A BROKEN HEART
Step 1: Accepting Allah’s Qadr
This has got to be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love. How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?
The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah.
So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allah and His infinite wisdom.
“Allah `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware’.” [Tabarani]
Step 2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome
An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.
Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.
Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allah the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.
Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.
These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time insha Allah. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).
The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.
As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.
Step 3: Be proactive
Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.
Step 4: Move on
In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:
“If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi]
Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.
4. Do not get Angry – Arguments a fire in your home – put out the fire as fast as possible. Our prophet, peace be upon him, said, “Do not become angry! Do not become angry! Do not become angry!” And he told us anger is from the devil (shayton) and the shayton runs through your body like your blood when you become angry.
Sisters: You already know men have a hard time admitting they are wrong. In fact, some men refuse to say it, and this is very dangerous for them, but also for you too. Be careful not to force the issues with him when he is upset. Treat him like the baby that he is imitating. Really, just take it easy and keep your cool. Allah will reward you and inshallah, Allah will guide your husband back on track.
Brothers: You know you are not perfect. Come on now, admit it and get it over with. Say, “I am sorry”. You can be the one to extinguish the fire of shayton in your home with a simple ‘I’m sorry’ even if you think it is not your fault.
When you fight back, you are only adding wood to the fire. Watch how sweetly an argument will end when you just say sincerely, “Look, I’m sorry. Let it go.”
8 Things Which Strengthen The Marriage:
1) Good Attitude – A Muslim must always have a positive attitude toward life. We say, “Al Hamdulillah” (Praise be to Allah) for whatever He gives us (or doesn’t give us).
2) Help – Our prophet, peace be upon him, stressed the importance of men helping their wives and Allah tells us the importance of women being mates and helpers to their husbands. This is a real “win-win” situation, if we just follow it.
3) Trust – Muslims, men and women are ordered to be trustworthy and follow the example of our prophet, peace be upon him, as the “Trustworthy”.
4) Respect – You get respect, when you give respect. This is mandatory for all Muslims toward all people, how much more toward the spouse?
5) Joy – Our prophet, peace be upon him, used to entertain his wife, Ayesha and she used to play and race with him. She said, “I used to out-run him, but then when I got heavy he used to outrun me”. He told us to play with our wives.
6) Forgiveness – Clearly, this is one of the most important aspects of Islam. Whoever does not forgive – will not be forgiven. This comes from Allah, Himself. We must learn to forgive each other’s mistakes so we won’t it against us.
7) Time – Spend time, alone – together. Go for walks. Take a bus ride. Visit a friend or someone who is ill (you get big rewards for that). Fast together on Mondays & Thursdays if you can. Make hajj – this is a great way to get a “new start” on life. Trust me.
8) Worship – connection with Allah through ritual of prayer, petition and peace while moving together in the salat is something a non-Muslim can never really appreciate. Our prophet, peace be upon him, used to lead his wife in salat, even though he lived connected to the mosque. He told us not to make our homes like grave yards. We should offer some of our sunnah prayers at home. A sister gains the most rewards at home, in her room, behind a screen.
Today we are more interest in the wedding than the wedding itself!
Thus we compromise the temporary from the permenant
why do girls want to always move out and expect there husband to leave their mothers??? do they not realise that one day they will be mothers them selfs? girls always say mother in laws are at fault, but the truth is if husband and wife and ok nothing can come inbetween them self!!!! gals need to always think that if they hav bad intention there marriage will not work out. u hurt a mothers feeling allah will get back at you, one day it will come back at ur. please ladies think before you make your move
To reply to your question from someone like me who is a daughter in law, I can tell you that what you said, ” the truth is if husband and wife are ok nothing can come between them” , unfortunately is not actually true, as we can see from a sister posting above about her marriage falling apart due to her in laws insistence, and one brother even posting he kicked his wife and baby out due to pressure from his mother. These stories are not the norm, but they do happen. No Muslim husband can be naive to think his wife will move in and it will all work out and be the perfect family. Adjustment on everyones’ parts and boundaries need to be discussed so everyone is comfortable.
In Islam, jannah for a man is is guaranteed by obeying and serving his mother, and jannah for a woman is guaranteed by obeying and being a partner to her husband. So she is not obligated in Islam to take care of her mother in law, if she does so seeking reward from Allah and to help her husband in attaining his jannah, then the husband must realize he is very lucky and appreciate her for her efforts. But this should not be forced upon her and not expected as a requisite to marriage like is the norm in South Asian cultures and others Im sure.
Men should not leave their mothers alone to fend for themselves, but should agree to live separately in a home nearby so that his wife and family have their own privacy but can still be in close proximity to see his mother as he needs to. The same should be done so the wife is near her family if possible, if not then she can visit them frequently as she needs to.
And mothers should not feel hurt that their son feels it best to move out into a new place with his wife, this should be something she knows will happen in the future. And if she does feel hurt by this, its not the wife who is the cause for this as you assume, its the husbands fault for not being man enough to discuss this with his mother beforehand.
The husband has a very important role in balancing his duties as a son and also being a good husband and fulfilling the rights of his wife. Getting married to someone and learning to live with them in itself is a huge task for a new couple. From my experience when you add to that having to live in your in laws house, I feel its hard to get to know each other as well as you could if you were living separately and had to share and juggle responsibilities of having a home etc, instead of just going with the rules and system already set up in the in laws home. Think of whether for some reason, you and your wife had to move into her parents home to live, would you be completely comfortable? No. You would always be on edge and not completely yourself because they’re not your family. The ideal situation would be like I said to move into a separate home. If a couple decides to live with the in laws for a period of time to save money etc, then there should still be communication about what your plans are as a couple in the future. May Allah make all our Muslim men and women good husbands and wives for each other.
I totally agree with, if the husband had to live with his in laws then they would know how it feels to be in the ladies shoes until then men dont realise how hard it is for the women and what they go through
and moving out doesn’t mean moving thousands of miles away. You should live close by but in your own space. That will lead to far fewer problems between the usually controlling mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law.
Assalamu-aleikum. No, they are NOT your responsibility. They are their own sons responsibility. Whatever you do for them is out of the kindness of your heart.
And there is NO law saying that you have to live with your in-laws. It is EVERY women’s right to have her own home with her husband. Which of course DOES NOT mean that once they are not able to take care of themselves anymore they should be dumped into a nursing home etc. But still, it is everyones haqq to have a private life.
There are unfortunately a lot of misconceptions about above issues. My own husband and his whole family think that the woman is a kind of a slave, there to do everything for her in-laws. Of course they think that only about their sister-in-laws, when it comes to their OWN sisters, there is a complete different set of rules.
So sad to see that man who have sisters themselves have so different standards for their wifes. Everything they do to their wifes, is happening to their own sisters, and they are too blind to see…..
And sister, I have seen things from both perspectives, as the wifes, and as the sister-in-law, who would have liked to see her brother and his wife stay with my parents. But even me told them it is better to move out and have a peaceful life, and be able to regain respect and trust for her in-laws (nobody looks good under a microscope) from a distance. And even though they are my parents and I am biased, they are wonderful people and never meant to hurt anybody, but still my sister-in-law was profoundly unhappy, even after living with them for just 2-3 month (the rest of the time they were not home).
I can see from my own female standpoint how disturbed she was living with in-laws.
Things are better now that they have their own apartment, even though no daughter likes their parents to live alone…
Hopes up, sister, inshallah everything will be fine. Just don’t let anybody talk you out of what is your haqq given by Allah.
Salaam
So a woman can’t ask her husband to live alone and leave his mom but it is okay for him to ask her? You do realize she has to leave her parents too. How would it be if she brings her parents to live with her too? Would the husband be happy? Why is it it only to keep husbands mom happy? The wife has a mom too.
Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh
Cultures are great ways to celebrate human diversity, however when they clash with Islamic values, they will most likely bring negative circumstances. Islamically, there is no obligation to live with in-laws.
In general, it is the duty of the husband to provide at least one private room where his wife can have her own privacy. This room should only be accessible to the husband and wife. No other family members.
Imam Abu al Hasan al Quduri writes, “It is incumbent upon him to house her in a separate building in which none of his family (members live), unless she chooses that (to live with other family members).” (Mukhtasar al Quduri)
I am not aware of the specifics of your situation, however, my recommendation would be for your husband to provide, in the least, a basic separate accommodation for you, especially if he has the financial capacity to do so.
It might also be worthy to note that the Islamic duty upon any husband is to serve both his wife and parents. Living in a separate accommodation is not against any Islamic injunction. Despite living separately, serving and honouring parents can be rendered by constantly visiting parents, attending to their needs and maintaining ties with them.
Unfortunately, many cultural norms are a means of friction amongst family members. If one follows the Islamic instructions, one will certainly experience peace and harmony.
May Allah bless you, your husband, your parents and your in-laws with understanding and mercy.
And Allah knows best.
Answered by Shaykh Yusuf Badat
Jazakallah khayr for your reply shaykh. I feel like many Muslims, especially in the South Asian subcontinent, are just not aware of this and follow Hindu traditions of the daughter in law being expected to live in her in laws house always and being looked down on for wanting seperate housing, or even just privacy. It is encouraging to see shuyookh replying to this issue.
Jazak Allahu khayran Imam! Please give Khutbas and write articles on this topic. You will save countless Muslim marriages and families. If marriage is supposed to be about “love and mercy” as outlined in the Quran (30:21), then what does that make in-laws who seek to destroy that relationship Allah has made sacred through their abuse?
Assalamualaykum,
I really need help who can i speak to. I am unable to go to a local Imam for some sound advice.
I just desperately need to speak to someone who has Islam knowledge. Please.
Z
islam is about happiness and love so u must make ur inlaws happy and they should treat u kindly. Ur husband should take care of his parents and u must assist. I request u to move out with ur husband because there is often conflicts created with inlaws and u should visit them when u have time or call them by phone. Between husband and wife u must respect each other and be kind. U have to work together. Remove conflicts if there is one and solve it with patience. In shariah law men are suppose to do house work not women this idea of women doing house work is absolutely wrong but u should work together by doing house work. Do dhikr for it brings peace towards heart and recite salawat upon the prophet daily. Love the prophet and his family and pray to Allah that there be healthy relationship between u and ur husband and inlaws. Any doubts consult with a mufti shaykh or scholar or Qadhi because there their to help us solve problems like this
From my own experiences (so many of them typically unpleasant as is expected from the ethnic community I come from) it seems that mother in laws and in laws generally who are unfulfilled in their own lives live only to make others miserable.
If a mother in law was busy pursuing her own goals and ambitikns (anything such as poetry/charity work/pottery/ even practicing law/medicine) she wouldnt be so intolerant of others. It is often the lazy, close minded and downright unprincipled people who behave in this manner. The other thing is they are also highly unhealthy and do mot care for their own health, they eat for desire not for healing and as a result are always physically emotionally and paychologically in pain.
In short to sort their lives out people need to sort out their health check if they have food intolerances eat so their bodies are no longer in pain exercise so they can feel at peace and also open their minds by learning a skill and pursuing some form of career/work to keep them motivated and fulfilled. This is directed to those misery guts who are always complaining about their sons/daughter in laws whilst they are severely overweight arthritic and mentally miserable with everything.
People who are hurting only hurt others. People who are healed heal others.
I speak from my own experiences, not only were my in laws unhinjed but my own mother hated me since I was a child because I was not born with a disease my brother inherited from her. I have had an enormous amount of pain in my life from childhood, my mother was a narcissist who isolated me from the whole world broke me down so I was a victim. my own fatger told me I was too ugly for any man to want to marry me. I prepared myself for years to marry an ugly man and told myself and prayed to Allah that I wanted an ugly man with a heart of gold, Allah swa sent a very handsome man who loved me so dearly my parents hated him and spread rumours about him. His family who made my life a misery for many years have now come to heel as my husband has acter many years stood up to them and although I have always asked him to do things gently and he listened to me (with bad results) got fed up and lakd down the law in a very aggressive way that made them back off.
we have also dealt with sihr (due to extremely jealous people) and because I was raised to be a victim by my parents I even fell pray to a psychopath (people they also come in the glove wearing niqaab variety)
at the end we pulled ourselves away from both our families and social circle and realised that for years we were entrenched in a social circle was full of dysfunctional characters, in fact the friends of our families were mirror images of one a other, a mutual family friend of both my husband and my family actually told my husband if he had been blood he said “I would have killed you and your wife”, btw this man is an Arab son of a doctor and a surgeon in his own right. How my family coukd keep such a perskn as a family friend We realised was because he and his family were a mirror image to my own. Birds of a feather.
My husband and I alhamdulillah have found our own center of
peace and are now keeping distance from such troubled people.
I have done alot for my parents my inlaws and mother in law, I know now that they will never change and their minds have already been decided for them. These people are so miserable their ideas so fixed that once they have decided they will not have a good life or good daughter in law no matter how good or kind sweet or loving a person is they will continue to treat that person badly. Culture also plays a huge part as do gossipping women, unfortunately the world is full of them.
My husband and I have been blessed I think for being able to see people and the world with such clarity, we dont hold anyone with hate in fact we want to help others and wanting others to be happy focused and at oeace in their own lives is what makes us happy. We are happy you see and we want to see others happy too and money sA which can come very easily to people if their mindset is right doesnt matter the same way to us. We dont live for it or hoarde it, sA Allah has blessed us witht it and for many years we spent freely on others to help weve now realised people were only resenting us the whole time and only attaching value to us through money or work opportunities they got from us.
An advice to women: if you are supportive to your husband and are dutifull and respectfull to him and he is the same to you your marriage can become a powerhouse, your life will become fruitfull in many ways. In my case my husband became highly respected and successful alhamdulillah but it only came about through motivation and support of one another. If your husband hurts you try your utmost to be a source of positivity and help your husband change his mental blue pri t of the world. Stand guard at the door of your mind dont expose yourself to garbage and keep negativity out of your life as much as possible. Think positive and act on it break old habits whether they are psychological emotional etc and build healthy new ones. I pray all of you find a successful happily ever after, remember success is a journey not a destination.
Hi I am going through such a difficult time and looking for some advice me and my husband have been married for a year we have a 3month old baby we had a argument which got out of hand and which led to my husband hitting me both our parents got involved we live with his mother and my family live kind of far away my parents left it to my mother in law to sort out to me the way she sorted wasn’t fait treated my husband with love my husband went off to work while i was there still crying and upset my mother in law went off shopping before she went off she goes to me “dont run off with my grandchild” and “dont be moody with me” while she was out my father facetimed me to see if i was ok he noticed my cheek was red and swollen he got really upset and he saw me crying he told me dont cry dad will come take u for a few days to clear ur head and give u and your husband some space you’ll both miss eachother and u will feel better so my father rang my mother in law advising he will come take me for a fews day to which my mother in law threatened my dad saying “if your going to take her take her for good and dont get me angry” then she rudely hung up my dad rang me and just be ready ima bring some elders and take u for a few days and sort the problem my mother in law comes home angry i told her my dads coming to which she replied he hasnt told me this tell him to ring and confirm with me or i wont let him in he will have to come with police then calling up my husband telling my husband all of this and that my dads coming for him to come home before my husband or my father could come my mother in law started badmouthing me and belittling me talking to my sister in law she started lying saying i did the mark on my face my husband came home and then they both started ganging up on me also saying ur father cant come in tell him to call police she kept saying my family done black magic on me or brainwashed me i started sticking up for myself called his mother a liar to which he got up with my baby in his arm to hit me with a remote i was scared cos my baby was screaming i thought she was hurt my mother was on phone i told her to call police and i shouted im calling police to which my mother in law tried to grab my phone and take it off me!
Before the police arrived my husband went and hid my wedding gold when the police finally arrived along with my family my mother in law wouldnt allow my family in i told the police what happened and they arrested my husband and escorted me with my belongings and my baby to my dad!!
Basically i didnt expect it to go this far had no intentions of getting police involved my mother in law instigated it and put it in my head!
Now me and my husband still want to be together im still at my parents been a month now i told him if we want to sort this out i want to move out from his mums but he wants me to move back into his mothers house i 100% will not go back to that house my husband expects me to stay at my parens for 2years until he moves out cos he wants his other brother to get married he keeps saying his mother is ill but she is capable of doing literally everything but this is the thing im only asking to move out it can be close to his mothers house he still can provide visit his mum daily i wont stop but still he is still refusing to so basically now our marriage is technically over can anyone advise me on what to do!
I cant stay at my parents for 2years without my husband his mum controls him financially this whole month he hasnt supported me and my daughter financially the reason indont want to move back my mother in law is very involved in our marriage and my husband follows her orders even if i ask my husband for permission i have to ask her or arguments start between me and him and to me the argument got worse cos of her she made the situation worse my husband blames my parents that they shouldn’t have come and took me and he has full right over me but is that correct cos he hit me and both him and his mother ganged on me i was scared!! Whats everyones view on this??
Just to add i really do love my husband and i know and he knows we will be happier in our own place if i go back to my house i know she will insult me especially when my husbands at work and he doesn’t really stick up for me its whatever his mother says is right!
I want my marriage to be saved but i dont see how when me and him arent on the same page it hurts in anger iv asked for divorce and said he can see our daughter through court but i dont want any of that just want him but he doesnt see it he thinks wrong and im the bad one im only asking for my own place not asking for him to disown his mum or anything
That is a form of abuse. From his mother and from him.
Try talking to someone he will listen to?
May Allah grant you a happy and peaceful marriage.
Salam,
I searched for an article talking about this issue and I’m happy that I found this I hope to my husband will have a change of heart after reading it.
We have been married for 6 months and I am expecting, he is so adamant about moving his parents into our home and I don’t want that. I don’t want to seem selfish but I enjoy my privacy and if his parents move in I know a lot will change and I’m almost certain it will negatively impact our marriage.
We’ve gotten into so many arguments about it but he just can’t see my point of view. I think an excellent alternative is if we were to buy them a condo near by but even that he is not willing to consider. I don’t know what to do. He loves his parents and I do too but they like to meddle into our affairs because after all they are his parents. . But they’re not mine and I’m not comfortable living with them.
I’m feeling so defeated..Allah knows best
Walaikum as Salaam wa Rahmatullah sister:
1. Don’t back down
2. Have him read this article if he already hasn’t
3. Find an Imam who shares your point of view and who he respects, and either have him meet with him or watch his video on YouTube.
4. Ask him how he would feel if your parents moved in. He would not appreciate the violation of his privacy.
5. Make lots and lots of Dua.
6. Emphasize that you want a good relationship and to stay close but that can be accomplished without being in each other’s face.
7. It is your Islamic right to have separate accommodation.
http://www.hibamagazine.com/joint-family-in-islam-challenges-and-solutions/
It’s not selfish at all sister. If we wish for our own space then it’s a right of ours that husbands must fulfil.
May Allah grant you sabr and your husband guidance to see that you are not in the wrong here.
It is so important to have good in laws! I would like to marry into a good family so they can bring out the goodness in me and me in them. I don’t think it’s a terrible idea living with the in laws, I think it brings about a lot of barkat and there is a lot of wisdom we can learn from our elders. It also sets a good example for the next generation, our children see by example how important family ties are.
Should one turn down a marriage proposal if you know the in laws (in particular the mother in law) are not very religious people? As much as one can judge from meetings and conversations, if they do not display good character but the potential spouse does, is it worth it?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, Jazakallah.
Salam. My in laws are both horrible to me and make me regret getting married and moving in with them – worst mistake of my life!!! My FIL is elderly with mild health issues and my MIL is disabled with limited mobility. They firmly believe it’s my duty to serve them and be the woman of the house (cater to their every whim). I have to give them food 3/4 times a day as they are elderly/disabled… but they are so ungrateful/critical and say nasty/unislamic things to me. I’m the only daughter-in-law living with them in a big house as the other daughters in laws have moved out due to their nasty nature And only send food over for them. My husband also believes it’s my “duty” to serve them (despite people telling him it’s not). FIL plays up with his health and MIL is disabled so I can’t get away and my husband doesn’t support me and is unappreciative. I feel so disappointed with life as I’m a good practicing girl who wants to Continue to complete half her deen but is being abused my toxic in laws