Question:
I am talking to a guy for marriage. I respect his character, and we align in all the important ways: faith, goals, family desires, etc. The problem is that my attraction towards him is very neutral. He is growing on me, but it is clear that he is developing feelings faster for me than I am for him. I have been praying, and I keep swaying back and forth from thinking I can move forward to thinking I can’t. I just don’t want to waste time if it’s not supposed to happen.
He isn’t putting any pressure on me. I shared some of my concerns with him, and he said I should take all the time I need. This is probably the most real process I’ve ever been in. I’ve “talked” to guys before where the attraction was there, but there was no substance.
If I think about it logically, he has all the makings of a great partner. However, in this society, we are always taught to want better, to aspire for that feeling of getting the best, and I think that is preventing me from seeing a perfectly great guy for what he is. I can’t accept/commit because of wanting more, and I’m afraid that I will regret that way of thinking in the future. I just don’t know how to make the decision of marrying someone from the mind space of complete logic and practicality. I don’t know how to do it without feeling love, and maybe that is unrealistic Hollywood. How do I change that?
Answer:
It sounds like the person you’re talking to has all the qualities you’re looking for, but you are not sure about your level of attraction and feelings of love towards him.
Ask yourself this: If you were to fast forward a few years, would you have the same hesitations about this person? What is most important to you about a potential husband, and does this man have these characteristics?
Sometimes, in our attempt to seek something better, we overlook the blessings we have. You alluded to that, as you mentioned that you consider him to be a “perfectly great guy” otherwise.
Attraction is important, but often times, it’s the personality and the companionship that builds the attraction over time. If you align in all the important ways, and you feel that you both have a connection, and he is respectful and supportive, then those feelings of attraction and love will develop as you spend more time with him and as you take your relationship to another level.
Consider giving him a chance—it’s not wasted time. Relationship building takes time and a certain leap of faith. He sounds like he is a man with character and depth. If this is your first real and authentic experience, then ask yourself if you’re subconsciously drawing upon your experience talking to attractive men with no “substance” and pushing him away because of that.
Of course, it’s important not to settle in marriage just because you’re getting older. But if this person has all the characteristics you’re looking for, and your feelings are still developing towards him, then it might be wise to give him a chance and pray that God opens your heart.
VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings.
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