Question:
My husband and I have been married for two and a half years now, but we have not yet consummated our marriage. He does not have a physical problem. He tells me the reason is because of school and family pressure, but I just don’t know if that’s true. This issue has taken a toll on my confidence, and I sometimes regret marrying him, even though in absolutely everything else we are perfect. I love him, and I love taking care of him. He is extremely nice to me, and we really are best friends. However, he refuses to go to marriage counseling or personal counseling. No one knows about this problem, and everyone keeps asking me when we are going to have kids. Any advice on how to fix this problem without a divorce?
Answer:
Sexual problems are multidimensional and complex. Various factors can interfere with a couple’s sexual function and satisfaction. It is unclear from your question if you and your husband engage in other sexual activity, and if it’s just intercourse that hasn’t occurred. There may be many reasons for your husband not consummating the marriage.
Even though you may not suspect a “physical” problem, it is always good practice to consult a physician to rule out physiological problems. Your husband may have an undiagnosed medical condition (for example depression) that is impacting his libido. If he is taking any medication, be aware that some medication can have sexual side effects. Perhaps your husband is struggling with unresolved psychological issues. He could be anxious about settling down and beginning a family. Some men may have experienced trauma or abuse as a child. Others continue to struggle with sexual orientation issues even after marriage. Some men may feel pressure to perform sexually in certain ways. Porn is also a major problem that can impact a person’s desire for his partner. Additionally, examine your relationship. Has anything changed? Do you communicate well? Has he distanced himself?
Almost every couple at some point in their marriage will report a sexual concern or problem. Unfortunately, many couples who do not seek professional help for their sexual problems will likely divorce. It is important for you to seek couples counseling. This is not just your husband’s problem- it is your issue as a couple.
Use your friendship and love for each other to work together to resolve the sexual difficulty. It is clear that you care deeply about your husband and want to continue with him. It can be difficult to share with someone about your sexual problems, but trained professionals can offer you guidance while respecting your religious values. Remember: God tests His servants in different ways. However, He also asks us to be proactive. The longer you wait to address this issue, the more it will strain your relationship. Reach out. Consult a counselor to help you and your husband work together as a team to strengthen your marriage and enhance your intimacy.
VMCounselors was a collaborative advice column produced by two previous website authors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings.
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